Why Can't You be a Sadist?

What does it take to be a good leader?

Yesterday I hung out with some very special friends. I watched him propose to her 2 years ago. I was at their wedding. I've been there for some of their bad moments, and they've definitely been there for some of mine.

They were a huge part of my life when I was dating my ex. It's hard to not think of him when I am with them.

And horror of horrors, they know to some degree that I am a spanko. Because my ex told them. And yet I am surprisingly not annoyed that they know. I'm so much more confident in my spanko/sexuality/emotional make-up then I was a year ago.

It has been more than a year ago that I decided to do something about my spanko feelings--and make a page on Spankfinder.....It was a frightening, whirl-wind time of life, when emotions alternately skyrocketted or hid in the dark.

So yesterday, as usual, my old friends and I discussed my ex and the changes that have happened. And then we began to randomly discuss what makes a good leader---aka: what had my ex done wrong in our relationship.

The dude- friend defined it with one word: CARING. (Oh, and also he is a conservative Christian who believes that the leading is the man's position and job---in his words: "God made horses with a purpose--to be ridden; God made men with a purpose--to lead". I completely disagree with the stereotype and box and rule--If a woman wants to "lead" and the man is cool with it, go for it. And, even though it hurts me to say it, spank him while you're at it....tee hee hee.)
Anyway, I thought he put it well. The ability to lead is the ability to CARE.

Now this sounds warm, fuzzy, and incredibly non-violent. Caring is for care-bears, Barney, babies, and maybe hospitals and nursing homes.

College Guy and I once had a discussion about this very idea. And it was a bit violent. Actually quite a lot.

I was in one of my dark moods. I don't remember what it was over. He said he was going to spank me.

"I don't want you to," I pouted. "I want you to do it and be not-caring. I don't want you to wish you didn't have to punish me and force yourself to do it anyway. I want someone to punish me who doesn't care. I want someone to spank me and not care that it hurts. Why can't you be a sadist?"

The look on his face was something I wish to never see again.

"I'm going to blister your bottom right now," He stated. "You're not thinking clearly, and you need a taste of what you're asking for."

It was not fun. I fidgetted, protested, and struggled over his lap until he finally had enough.
"Get up." He grabbed my arm and paraded me to the bathroom. I thought he wanted to spank me in front of the mirror, or maybe show me the damage he'd done. But when I saw his hand start towards the soap, I jerked out of his grasp and bolted to the hotel bed. Without thinking, I dove under the covers and pulled them over my head. It was a test. But it was as natural a reaction for me as breathing.

I'm sure you all are not surprised that he didn't give up. The covers were pulled down, the soap was placed in my mouth (only 10 seconds, yay!), and this calmer, more submissive girl was pulled back over his lap.

I was still fuming a bit when the spanking was over. But in hindsight, his caring resulted in a spanking. I was confused and I still can be confused about what I want, about what I think a guy should be, but in this case, College Guy cared and his care made us closer and made me trust him which makes me more likely to trust the next time.

I'm not saying that the guy should lead all the time, be master, rule the roost, that women should always submit. But there is something about it. I can't put my finger on it.
All I know is that last night's conversation with my good -but -vanilla -friends is still running around in my mind.

I once read something written about My Magician. Something written by a girl that had a spanking relationship with him years ago. She was musing about what it was that exuded from him when he wasn't doing anything related to spanking. "Authority" was the first word she used, but then she realized that "authority" wasn't enough. Finally she came up with the word "Dominance". And I agree; it is the right word to use.

My vanilla- dude- friend had gone on to compare good leadership to bad leadership. "I have this military friend whose first instint is 'Tackle it, shoot it, or drag it where you want it.' Basically, to muscle his leadership. That's all wrong. Being a leader is starting a vision, communicating the vision, and bringing the team together. But the team has to choose to follow. To want the vision to happen."

And as much as I desire someone to drag me and muscle me where they want me--over their knee, please--and to force me to submit, it isn't possible to live one's life that way. At least not too often. I would have to have a completely new spanker at least every 2 months---the poor guys hand/arm would be ruined and/or he would begin to develop arthritic hip-bones from trying to hold my kicking legs in place. Or maybe he'd develop blisters on his hands from the rubbing of wooden hairbrushes as he attempted to severly discipline me....cough..coughh..coll...b...bough...cough.. :)

Anyway, I think there may be something about freely choosing to follow, obey, or become "on the team". It's like graduating in a way. Becoming more adult.

My Magician makes it fairly easy to choose to follow. I have to fight my own instincts if I want to not submit. But that's probably because he is much older than me (did I say "much"? I meant "much much much much". Sorry for the confusion.) I have a thing about doing what older people say.

Perhaps it's the Dominance that the above author defined his personna as having. I have to decide ahead of time to disobey him. It can make a bratty girl feel quite pathetic.
"Take off your shorts, Miss Bonnie-jo." He says, but in this extremely pleasant, easy tone of voice.
My hands are moving to my shorts before I can think. No, I tell myself. Breathe. Wait. Push him a little. Don't obey. It'll be fun.

Oh, the lies I like to believe until they're spanked out of me!

So what is it that draws me to authority, to the age and maturity of My Magician? Why is it that I test College Guy in ways I would never even think of when over this older man's knee?Is it that My Magician is "better at it"? (I know, I know, I'm actually playing with real fire here, with real egos, self esteems, lives...lol. So no...there is no "better", but there definitely is "different".)

In my still-not-grown-up-and-still-sometimes-afraid mind, I see maturity, age, and the authority that comes with that as CARE. I respect the life My Magician has lived, the things he's learned and gone through in his spanko-journey, and I suppose I'm flattered that I get to be spanked by him. He's experienced. Almost a bit of a celebrity in the spanko universe. I get high on it. It makes him more mysterious.

I don't know him like I know College Guy. So with so many things, I have to just imagine. That mystery adds to the fear when he says, "I'm not done with you yet." When he says, "Wait there. I'll be back to finish your spanking."

But with College Guy, the fear is coming. It's sneaky, like spring or growing taller. And it's a different kind of fear. It's the, "I can't play games. I can't pretend. He knows what I'm up to. And because he knows, I have to be honest. I have to open up."

It's a good kind of fear. And I'm glad that he CARES.