Good Girl or Bad Girl?

I've always been the good girl.

Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments of mischef. But those were moments I could  count on one hand.

Teachers counted on me to watch the class when I was gone. My parents left me in charge. Other kids parents trusted me. But I remember the class clowns, the bad kids, the kids with "behavior problems". They received the attention, and not just the teacher's attention, but they held their place securely as the class' main entertainment. And they held my secret wish to be like them.

I remember wishing that my parents did not love me. Their love forced me, I felt, to be good, to not dissapoint. My parents had this special way of looking at me and my brothers with sad eyes and a long sigh, "I'm very dissapointed in you," they'd say. They didn't say it much. I made sure of that.

Well, needless to say, you can't live your life for someone else forever. You can't be  pefectly "good" in someone's eyes forever. No matter how hard you try.  So I finally failed to an extent. I dated a guy they didn't approve of and lived with him. It was a good  start on the road to being bad.

So when I met "My Magician", I told him  I'm not one of those spankos who secretly wants approval and wants to be "good". I felt I wasn't a submissive at heart. I thought I was a rebel through and through.  A good girl who wanted the chance to be bad.

So I've been given chances, and I've taken them. It's freeing. I can be bad!!!!!!!!!!! And I won't lose people right away if I do. They forgive me. And then they spank me too, but hey, works for me....

But what about when the relationship deepens and I do start to care? Where is the freedom to be bad? I feel like it's shrinking, and the more I care, the more it shrinks. I like caring, but I like being bad too.

Or do I?

I'm not sure.

Yes, it's fun to brat and annoy a top. It's fun to see what he will do, to see his tolerance level and response.

But what about letting someone down? What about when I hear, "I'm dissapointed in you, Bonnie-jo." What about when I have to confess the darkness inside of me? It hurts. It doesn't hurt as much as a spanking, but it lasts much longer, potentially a life time. 

It doesn't have to last a lifetime, of course. But the truth is that my choices can bring spankings, but my choices can also bring about a broken relationship. That scares me. A lot.

When I do something really wrong--like kissing an Irish guy in a bar when I'm dating College Guy--it overwhelms me. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not used to being bad. Or maybe it's that I actually want to be a good person. I don't know. I'm just incredibly surprised every time I feel horrible about something I've done. Is it that the values of my moral upbringing are still here? Probably so.

But when I dissapoint, things happen. It used to be this huge question mark with my parents---how hurt will they become? I've learned some about how hurt they can be, but even more so, I've learned that I have to be who I am. And College Guy or My Magician say they are dissapointed and spank me, they are not going away, they are not becoming a victim, and they are not wishing I was not their friend anymore. To me, a spanking equals acceptance, love, caring.

I get high on this. I am comforted by this. So no, I'm not a good girl yearning to be bad. At least that's not the complete picture.

I'm a good girl and a bad girl.

And when I'm bad, I am spanked.

So that I can be a good girl again.

P.S. But I still like being bad....at least for a couple seconds. Don't we all?