8.16.2010

Good Girl or Bad Girl?

I've always been the good girl.

Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments of mischef. But those were moments I could  count on one hand.

Teachers counted on me to watch the class when I was gone. My parents left me in charge. Other kids parents trusted me. But I remember the class clowns, the bad kids, the kids with "behavior problems". They received the attention, and not just the teacher's attention, but they held their place securely as the class' main entertainment. And they held my secret wish to be like them.

I remember wishing that my parents did not love me. Their love forced me, I felt, to be good, to not dissapoint. My parents had this special way of looking at me and my brothers with sad eyes and a long sigh, "I'm very dissapointed in you," they'd say. They didn't say it much. I made sure of that.

Well, needless to say, you can't live your life for someone else forever. You can't be  pefectly "good" in someone's eyes forever. No matter how hard you try.  So I finally failed to an extent. I dated a guy they didn't approve of and lived with him. It was a good  start on the road to being bad.

So when I met "My Magician", I told him  I'm not one of those spankos who secretly wants approval and wants to be "good". I felt I wasn't a submissive at heart. I thought I was a rebel through and through.  A good girl who wanted the chance to be bad.

So I've been given chances, and I've taken them. It's freeing. I can be bad!!!!!!!!!!! And I won't lose people right away if I do. They forgive me. And then they spank me too, but hey, works for me....

But what about when the relationship deepens and I do start to care? Where is the freedom to be bad? I feel like it's shrinking, and the more I care, the more it shrinks. I like caring, but I like being bad too.

Or do I?

I'm not sure.

Yes, it's fun to brat and annoy a top. It's fun to see what he will do, to see his tolerance level and response.

But what about letting someone down? What about when I hear, "I'm dissapointed in you, Bonnie-jo." What about when I have to confess the darkness inside of me? It hurts. It doesn't hurt as much as a spanking, but it lasts much longer, potentially a life time. 

It doesn't have to last a lifetime, of course. But the truth is that my choices can bring spankings, but my choices can also bring about a broken relationship. That scares me. A lot.

When I do something really wrong--like kissing an Irish guy in a bar when I'm dating College Guy--it overwhelms me. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not used to being bad. Or maybe it's that I actually want to be a good person. I don't know. I'm just incredibly surprised every time I feel horrible about something I've done. Is it that the values of my moral upbringing are still here? Probably so.

But when I dissapoint, things happen. It used to be this huge question mark with my parents---how hurt will they become? I've learned some about how hurt they can be, but even more so, I've learned that I have to be who I am. And College Guy or My Magician say they are dissapointed and spank me, they are not going away, they are not becoming a victim, and they are not wishing I was not their friend anymore. To me, a spanking equals acceptance, love, caring.

I get high on this. I am comforted by this. So no, I'm not a good girl yearning to be bad. At least that's not the complete picture.

I'm a good girl and a bad girl.

And when I'm bad, I am spanked.

So that I can be a good girl again.

P.S. But I still like being bad....at least for a couple seconds. Don't we all?

7 comments:

  1. What a truly beautiful, powerful, thought-provoking post.

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  2. What an interesting post. Have never heard anyone share similar insights before... but what you say makes total sense. One thing (of many) that came to mind reading this is, when we are disciplining... we focus on not saying something like, "we are disappointed in YOU." Rather it is, "We are disappointed in the DECISIONS you have made." It's those decisions you're being spanked for, while the "you" part of things is bravely stepping up and accepting painful consequences for mistakes made. Because of that, we can't be disappointed in you. A little thing, but for some spankees it makes a big difference on how a punishment is processed.

    :)
    ~Todd & Suzy
    americanspankingsociety.com

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  3. Abel--Thank you so much! You have no idea...I wrote that late last night and woke up this morning thinking, I'm sure that post was horrible...I've gotta write when I'm more awake.

    Todd & Suzy--Thank you also for the encouragement. When I saw that Todd and Suzy had commented, and that it was THE TODD AND SUZY, I must confess...I squealed, jumped up and did a little dance....yes, it's true.
    I think you're right about the being dissapointed in your choices thing. But I think it's possible to be dissapointed in a person, and still love them and care. And it's okay to tell them so, if it's true. At the same time, it would be too much to hear all the time....Thankfully, I do not hear it very often. :)

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  4. Abel--Okay, so I must tell you that I looked you up and now know who you are too...I'm currently listening to one of your stories on Spanking Writers. Great stuff!!

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  5. I love this! I love how you explore the complexities, the motivations that drive us, the things that we need to feel good and bad. :) This is very thought-provoking, I agree with Abel
    Celine

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  6. OMG Bonnie-jo! I reading over your blog again and just saw this... it's almost identical to the one I wrote recently, even the title... it's strange but pleasant at the same time, knowing that I'm not the only one who thinks this way.
    Anyway, yours is a 2 year old post, so I'm pretty much a copy cat, but still! :)

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  7. Nah, you're not a copy cat. You just think the same amazingly splendid thoughts I do. :)

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