Difficulty Writing

I honestly don't know why I can't blog, but I just can't right now.  College Guy is with friends and I've been watching a show on netflix called "Kink". It's fairly good although there definitely isn't enough spanking in it.  It makes me want to share my thoughts with the world. I've started two blogs about two completely different things.  And I just can't finish them and put them out here for you all to see.

I don't know why I can't write.  Is it because I spend all day typing my boss' thoughts dictated through a headpiece?  I'm a legal secretary...is my job taking away my creativity? I don't know.  But I really don't think that is the answer.

Sometimes I think I'm unhappy in my relationship with College Guy, and that's the reason that I can't write and that I'm not creative.  That I'm afraid to open up myself and share because I don't know what's going to come out anymore?  And I'm afraid to let anything come out anymore?

But there are true things and false things in the above paragraph's implications.  I'm not unhappy with College Guy, at least not for the most part.  Most of the time, I'm extremely happy and content. I love him and I know I do.

Most times I feel so safe, and I really value feeling safe.  I value feeling safe above most things in the world.

I remember two summers ago, when I kind of got in the habit of meeting strange guys that I didn't know well, getting drunk with them and then getting into scary situations with them.  I remember after one scary encounter telling myself, "I don't care how boring my life gets, I will not, not, not ever get into situations where I am helpless ever again.  Not even if I have to sit home every night and read classical literature as my only entertainment."

Anyway, I'm rambling.  Sorry, lovely people.  The truth is, I am content and happy.

But I don't know where my fantasizing mechanism has gone....and well...I can't blog.  And I'm scared of what will happen if I try too hard.  I'm scared of what's down deep inside my head.  I'm scared of not being safe anymore.

On a more positive note, I will in a nutshell tell you what my two blogs were going to be about. Since I'm not being creative, here it is in a nutshell:

1. I had sex the other night and it was awesome.  Probably the best part was seeing how proud of himself College Guy was.  I, for one, can still not really believe that he was actually inside of me.  Yay for us! And yet part of me is dreading the fact that now that I've done it, I will have to do it again or else feel a failure.  And also, part of me is loving the challenge.

2. I think College Guy is becoming more dom-like.  I know I always say this, but he just is.  He has been forcing me to call him "Sir" basically whenever I'm over his knee.  I hate it but really do love it as well.  And we may start doing maintenance spankings, something I don't really want to do, since "maintenance" as a word sounds boring and chore-like.  But he said I may have no choice and have to accept them, and well, that is hot and awesome of course.

Signing out now...your own non-creative Bonnie-jo.