"There Is No Great Dark Man"

I saw a movie a couple weeks ago on hulu. I love hulu because it's free. The movie was entitled "The Naked Civil Servant", and it's based on the autobiography of a blatant homosexual man living in England during the time when practicing homosexuality was against the law. The main character, Quentin Crisp,  is always waiting for the man of his dreams to come along, the man he terms " a great dark man". In the end of the movie, he admits that there is no great dark man. It isn't the end of the world or hugely depressing; it's just a fact. It's a beautiful movie in my opinion. Quentin's dialogue and narration are spectacular, and it adds large ammounts of support to the fact that if I were ever to become a man, I would want to be a homosexual. And if I could ever change my sex, I might do so in order to be a man in love with a man. I'm sorry that such a thought makes many of my readers uncomfortable, but it's just my personal feeling. Guess I like men a lot.
But this post is not about homosexuality but instead about the wish for a great dark man, as Quentin wished for. I understand his thought, at least partially. I googled the phrase and found his autobiography on google books. Here he explains how women tend to wish for the same thing--a rough, violent, potentially dangerous man. However, women have to temper this attraction with an opposite attraction towards a kind, gentle, thoughtful nature--a man who would make a good husband and a good father for her children.
In a D/S, Top/Bottom  kind of relationship, I find the same dualism. In my search for a man who can control and dominate me in certain ways, I know there will be a conflicting wish for a man who will also release me when I want to be released. You cannot always have what you want.
As a child I dreamed of this great dark man--except he was only half great and dark. The other part was light and not dark, kind and not cruel.This is always the case. One does not wish for a man that would like to confine, stagnate, bind, and kill. These are miniscule spices thrown into the mix, there only for aroma and flavor, and not for consistency.  The consistency of a relastionship such as the one I want to have would contain things like respect for one another, mutual trust, forgiveness, joy, humor, sacrifice, thoughtfulness, ingenuity, and growth. I don't really know what I'm talking about. But I know that the elements of D/S can only be part of a relationship.
Still, that does not keep me from yearning for them. That doesn't keep me from fantasizing about a great dark man who would control in all aspects.
College Guy has grown into domness by leaps and bounds and at times by stealthy centimeters apparent only when something important needs to be dealt with in our relationship. And each time I see the changes, I thrill in the fact that I get to be his girlfriend and submissive.
But this is not always so. Sometimes I fight the very thing I supposedly want. When he wants to know my deepest, darkest secrets or desires or anxieties, I shy away from opening up. I'm afraid. Why should I give him more control if he is not the great dark man. Maybe there is no great dark man. Maybe there is no great dark man, as Quentin said.