College Guy sticks his hotel key in the slot. It isn't working, and I chuckle, "This is one of the best parts of these meetings--the things that go wrong, the chances I get to laugh at you."

It was a small indication of my general mood. Bratty. But more than that. I was wary, and I wasn't going to make this easy on him. This is my second dating relationship, and I've been questioning it so often. It's one of my huge faults. And it's not just relationships. I've gotten better but I've done it with everything---colors, clothes, choices at restaurants---It's hard for me to keep my mind made up for long. My moods change, my emotions change, my feelings of romance change. I'm still trying to figure it all out, and thankfully, College Guy has been superbly patient.


We finally got in the door, and put our suitcases in various corners. I knew what was supposed to happen next. He'd promised me an OTK hand spanking the moment we got settled. But I was intent on letting it happen in my own time.

"Just a second." I told him and retreated to the bathroom. Poured some tap water into a plastic hotel cup.

He leaned against the bathroom door frame. Watching me.

"Just a second." I said again.

But the water was soon gone. I set it down and began fingering my hair, primping, dragging out the time.

Without a word, he took my primping hand in his and led me to the bed. And it was amazing. Period. I ahhed and owed and squirmed and giggled. But I knew that the real reason we were here was for something less amazing.

The punishment spanking for all my misdeeds of the summer.

Shall I list them for you? Honestly, I'm extremely scared to. But for anyone out there who wonders if these spanking relationships are just a bunch of bogus talk and are really about the spanker and spankee getting off on the spankings, well, it is not usually so. And it is not so with this boyfriend of mine.

The offenses were real. I'm not proud of them. I'm proud of being bratty, of laughing in the face of a Top or the threat of a spanking--why live life afraid? But I'm not proud of what I did. Let's start the list, shall we? (Caveat: No one instructed me to publish this post or to "confess" my crimes. I've already been spanked for this. I feel like writing it out because I enjoy things being as clear as possible. And since my readers shall never really know me, who better for me to confess to?)

1. During my summer away from home ( about a week after I arrived at my former roomate's house where I stayed) we met a random dude and went out with him and his buddy. I liked him at first--he had muscles, payed for our bowling game, and had that southern boy-all guy attitude. He wanted to take me fishing later on, etc. However, later that evening, back at my roommate's house, he became incredibly annoying. Begging her to let him smoke in her house. She told him no. But he wouldn't take no for an answer. He asked her at least 5 more times. I hated it and him. What a baby. I wanted him to go away and fast. But he did have nice muscles...Moving on.....

Somehow he talked me into letting him sleep there, on my couch, with me. I was worried---what if he had too much to drink? What if he thought I wasn't fun? So I let him. I didn't want to let him. But I let him.

I didn't want to kiss him. But I let him. Why? Pride. And my own shaking self esteem.

The kisses hurt. He had a beard that hadn't been shaved enough. And I didn't like this new kind of pain.

I was dead tired. It was 2 am. But suddenly, I had a grand idea.

"You want me to give you a blow job?

"I don't like them." He said, and changed the subject.

I couldn't believe it. So I showed him what he was missing. Yes. Even though I didn't like him. Even though I didn't want to. I suppose I wanted to for me, to show myself how wonderful I was. But afterwards, I thought of College Guy. I lay there in the sleepy arms of this Southern-dude, and all I could think was, OH NOOOOOOOOO.

College Guy and I weren't dating at the time. But I still felt terrible. And although he and I both knew the intimacy I had shared with the Southern-dude bothered both of us, he refrained from focussing on it, telling me what I did sexually with others was my business. "My problem with what you did is the fact that you didn't want to do it, Bonnie-jo. If you'd wanted it to happen, I'd be okay with it. I'm going to punish you for this the next time I see you. And it's going to be very hard. Do you understand?"

"Yes, yes, I do. Thank you. I feel so much better." And I did. My world had been righted once again.

The summer progressed without too much upheavel. It was an awesome one in fact. Karaoke, lake-swimming, sun-tanning, and random unnanounced dance parties with my roommate in our apartment.

2. Then one night I decided to go to a dance club. I was missing College Guy. I was missing My Magician. A 30-year old dude danced with me, told me I was good at it. I ate it up. We hit it off, talking and dancing until the club started kicking us all out.

He wanted to go out to eat, to keep on talking. I was thrilled. Maybe he could be a friend to me, like My Magician, just non-spanko. Who knows maybe he is spanko?

I wasn't hungry. So he suggested we sit outside his hotel room, as he was just visiting the area for a couple of weeks. I was feeling so comfortable. "I don't mind going in, " I said. I know my way around hotel rooms....I thought to myself. "Just as long as you know I just want a friend. No sex."

"Oh, I know, baby," He said. "I'm not interested in getting into your pants."

And he wasn't. But he was interested in me getting into his. And I complied.. I didn't really want to again. But I did it out of pride, and out of laziness. I hate confrontation. But I was wrong. I knew it afterwards. I had let myself down again. I hadn't been true to what I wanted.

"Did you want to do it?" College Guy prodded, a few nights later, as I confessed what had happened.

I was silent for a long time.

"Uhmmm...yes...I don't know...noo....arggg...."

"I'm adding it to the list, " College Guy warned me. "You need to do better."

3. I'd had a minor-but -major -for- me problem with drinking too much at one time. It was definitely tied into the above situations with guys. After about a month of the summer passed, College Guy gave me a limit. Two drinks per outing. Period. That's it. No more.

I'd messed up on the limit once--that night with the 30-year-old at the hotel. I had to give myself 200 (or was it 300, I forget) hard swats with my handy dandy bathbrush--nicknamed "Geppetto" by College Guy. (I have truly no idea why....) As you can see by the fact that I forgot how many swats it even was, self-spankings are not very memorable for me. But I knew what I had done was wrong, and I was sorry.

4. BUT........About a week before I left at the end of the summer (and by this time, College Guy and I were an offically dating couple), I went to a Karaoke Bar. It was packed. Packed with guys. Young guys. Cute guys---well, some of them anyway. They pulled me and my roommate into a huddle and we all sang Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody together. It was the start of a good night. Or rather, one that I wish had not happened.
Once again, I felt I needed an ego boost. And I was worried about me and College Guy's relationship. He thinks I'm some angel, some amazing girlfriend. But I'm not. I'll show him I'm not. I'm going to break his heart at some point. I'll just do it now and get it over with.
So I kissed an Irish dude. He even had a real accent. And I let him buy me a third drink--a Guiness Beer from Ireland. "I'm not supposed to go over 2 drinks," I confided to the Irish dude.
"Why not? Do you have a problem?"
I was afraid he'd take the drink away. "No, no, no, it doesn't matter. I just promised this guy I wouldn't...."
"You what??"
"Never mind."
It tasted like coffee. But that was the best taste in my mouth all night.
Minutes later, I knew I had to get out of there. The Irish dude wanted to dance and kiss, I wanted him to leave me alone, and I wished I could sing my Karaoke song I had planned --"She Will be Loved" by Maroon Five. But now the song was ruined. Because she wasn't going to be loved. Because I was sure College Guy and I were through.
I fled to the parking lot, dialed College Guy without thinking. Said a bunch of random stuff until I finally confessed what had happened. And I knew I'd hurt him.
He was more confident that it would never happen again than I was. And I still ask myself "Why?" "Why didn't he dump me?" And "Is this even healthy?"
It took me until the next morning to say the words "I am sorry." But I said them. And I meant them.
And I knew for sure I would be even more sorry later.
And that is where this spanking in this hotel room comes in. Can there be a spanking big enough for a summer like the one I'd just had?
You'll just have to see in the next post. :)