My Mouth and Spanking Threats

I hope who ever reads this isn't annoyed by how random I can be. I think up my subject/title headings after I've rambled my way through an entry.

We're going to call my guy-friend who is a sub something, I'm not quite sure what. Because I realize unless I do something drastic to terminate our friendship, he's going to show up here and there as long as I'm living in this city. He's in my Shakespeare class, so I must at least see him twice a week. And then there's the Writer's Group he introduced me to, on which I am becoming quite hooked. The people are so accepting, and there's this Lesbian girl I sit next to who is so much fun to talk to. It's an added plus that she dresses like she's going to a BDSM party and we've talked about submissive relationships. Yay! (Hopefully I'm not leading her on..tee, hee.)

So we shall call my guy friend M.S. (really, I'm not trying to be mean) Speaking of being mean though, I do believe he put me in my place last night at the Writer's Group. Something that should have happened a long time ago. I guess when I stop respecting someone, and I had lost some of my respect for him through getting to know him more, I tend to make fun of them under my breathe--just little tiny things that most people brush away.

So we were in the middle of writers group. M.S. had brought a huge bottle of vodka and Red Bull and was downing glass after glass of these mixed beverages. (This is pretty normal behavior for this guy.) I had requested a glass too, but realized later it was a bad idea. Thinking about the technicalities of writing and drinking vodka don't mix for me. So...in order to entertain myself and stay relevant to the conversation, I made some snide comments about M.S. to the Lesbian girl I sit next to. We giggled a lot, like two ten year olds, as he sent daggers our way now and then.

At one point, we all wrote a haiku on a subject drawn from a hat. Now...I hope this doesn't offend, if it does, I understand. (I was almost offended, but you have to understand these are college students and the brain behind this was male...) One of the subjects someone drew was "drunk babies". I think that's wrong...of course...giving liqueur to an infant is immoral and wrong. Just in case you need that cleared up. Anyway, I say, "Oh, MS. was the inspiration for that one.." or something of the like. And of course, everyone giggles.

The whole time he's been saying things like, "You shouldn't be mean. I'm counting..that's four...you don't want to reach five, okay?" I really thought he was just playing at being "scary" because he knows about my spanko-ness.

Well, later, a few more things were said, and some people went to go eat refreshments. He comes over to my couch, and towers over it. "If I was anyone else you would be in so much trouble right now. I don't understand why you're doing this, but don't push me...etc." And the Lesbian girl next to me is cowering in sympathy-fear and awkwardness. I thought it was hilarious and wanted to tell her it was alright, but then I realized he could be serious.

"I'm so confused, I don't get it. You're not serious, are you?" I smile.

Ground out through clenched teeth. "How can you possibly not be getting this? That makes it that much worse. Explain yourself."

Me breathing fast. Mind reeling. "I..uh...uhmm...I just..Look I just understand what's going on, any of what's going on."

He closes his eyes, opens them. "Fine." Disgusted tone. "I'm not serious. I'm joking." The emphasis on the word "joking" feels like a physical slap. Spinning on his heel, he goes out the door to smoke.

I draw patterns on my notebook paper. Ask the Lesbian girl if she understands what just happened.

"No, I was too uncomfortable. I tuned out a long time ago. I didn't hear anything."

First I don't care, then I'm scared--scared I just lost a friend or have to apologize for something that I can't because I don't understand. Then I begin to seethe in anger. How dare he take such a tone with me? How dare he employ tactics that he KNOWS push my buttons, that push my sub/spanko buttons so that my mind responds immediately? It's unfair! I didn't do anything and he's messing with me, just to see if he can. ARRRRGGGGG!!!!!

Later, after we finish discussing a play, I ask M.S. , do you need a smoke break? (He always needs a smoke break; I think he needs to find a Niko-woman to help him quit). So we go outside and talk. He's not angry and is surprised I am. I make him sit down because I'm sitting, and I still don't like the feeling of him standing over me. I realize I hurt his feelings. That he is sensitive and that all my little funny comments are tearing him down. Okay. I understand. And I will be more careful in the future. I really do have a big mouth sometimes.

M.S. struggles with a deep and dark depression. His wife cheated on him, and they've been separated for two years. He's the type of guy who needs people desperately, who would physically die without contact. I can't be an intimate female in his life. So I've been trying to tear myself away a bit, with the help and support of my College Guy of course. We had a talk before the Writer's Group.

Me--" I don't want to stay late at his apartment...it could get awkward again."

Him--"Alright. If you go up, then, there will be consequences when we see each other."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Okay, thank you. That helps a lot."

"I can tell you that whenever you need me to."

"No, that's ok, that would be really pathetic of me."

"True."

So, last night, at 1:30 am. he asks, "Can you do me a favor. Come up and watch one episode of Six Feet Under with me. One episode, and then I know you have to go and have classes in the morning."

So I resist, and all for a spanking. It was good though. It helped. Instead of watching t.v. we actually talked a bit more in the car, some insightful talking about why I was not going up with him, about why he needed people, about what he was struggling with.

All because I was threatened with a spanking....or so I'd like to think. But it's not really true. Most things that I really want to do are worth a bad spanking. But making the spanker/top disappointed in you, well, that's harder. And when it's something that you wanted to do, and the spanking threat is just there to help you stick to your word, well, that's when it works the best!

It's ok and Magicians

I just finished Reading Lolita in Tehran for my World Lit. class. It was a very encouraging read. I've even posted Facebook statuses quoting it.

The book is about Azar Nafisi, an Iranian English professor, who battles her own feelings of being "dispensable" when she leaves her university after refusing to wear the veil. To continue to be relevant in her crumpling world, she begins a literature class in her own home with handpicked students from former Lit. classes.

Through out this time, she is in close contact with a man she refers to as "my magician". He is a sort of mentor who lends her his ear so that she can ramble on while he makes sense of it all for her. He is an odd man, someone who has withdrawn from Iranian society all together, in a sort of rebellion against the new regime. Anyway, that is not important. The important thing is that he made me think of a "magician" in my own life. ( Really, Nafisi's "magician" did make me think of other spanko type things. Listen to this excerpt from the book on p. 311: "If you promise you'll behave, my magician said on the phone, I have a nice surprise for you." Now the surprise turns out to be a special edition of A Thousand and One Nights, but what is with the "behave" part?)

I have a kind of magician too. I still don't know what to call him on here. I don't think "magician" quite cuts it, although I'm trying it on for size right now. He's like Nafisi's magician in that I can ramble to him, and he'll listen and give me good feedback. But more than this, he is the picture of what I've wanted when it comes to spanking. Ever since I was a little girl (6 years old in fact) I fantasized about a man who would spank me when I was bad and genuinely care about me the whole time. It was not a romantic or sexual fantasy (or very rarely so). It was more a psychological one. I guess when it comes to spanking, I turn into that little girl. And this man has made that possible for me. This is true magic, and he is my magician.

Vanilla Ex and Niko

I'm in that mood. Friday night, and I miss my vanilla ex. A lot.
Today, as I was opening my car door to drive home from class, I saw two students, arm in arm, walking to their car. I was just enjoying watching them walk, when he took his arm from around her shoulders, reached down, and gave her a good slap. I remember those days.
My ex had no conception of what that did to me. Yes, he knew I liked it, but did he know that I'd fall in love every time? And it wasn't falling in love with him, it was falling in love with my own dream, a dream of someone who'd punish me when I was out of control. Later, when I realized he could never do that, his playful swats only mocked me.

But I miss him. So much. Sometimes I wonder if being a spanko is worth it. But then I blink and remember that I love this lifestyle! I really do. I could never give it up.

But he was so awkward and cute sometimes. I had a fantasy/dream the other day. I was thinking about spanking/discipline dynamics. In my fantasy we were together, and in public, I was polished, confident, in control---with him being a bit more out of control, a bit more erratic. And then, in the bedroom, well, in the bedroom he was in complete control. But it's so not him.

Okay, all done. Ex-boyfriend subject has now run out of time. Time to talk about "other things".

The guy I mentioned earlier, the one I told to "Check the times now", has turned out to be a total sub. No worries, I didn't really learn this through experience, just through talking. It makes me feel a bit guilty though. I have two wonderful spankers in my life. I wish he had the same. He's been acting pretty depressed lately, and I know part of his problem. He just needs to be spanked very hard. It would help, I know it would.

I've been trying to drown my missing-ex-sorrows with spankingtube.com, Niko's videos in particular. Over all, I really like how he operates. Some of the sessions are a bit boring, but many are either amazing or hilarious. But I don't like how he shouts at girls sometimes. "Put your legs down!" or "Count!" "What do you say?" I understand how this mayt help get the reaction, but it's still a turn off. I don't think I'd yell back in the situation, but through the protection of my computer screen, I want to yell back.

Hopefully this weekend I"ll have something more to write about than my ex and Niko. I'm just not feeling very creative.

"I'm going to spank you"

Last night I talked with College Guy. We talk often. Especially on Sunday nights. We're trying to follow this program he came up with, where we both read two chapters of the New Testament (Matthew for now) and "discuss" them. Pretty much this means he talks about what he sees is wrong/confusing/annoying and I end up saying, "Yeah, I know, so lets talk about something else."

So something else did come up. I had a confession to make. I've been telling him over and over again about something that was coming up, something that I didn't want to do. And that I had promised not to do. But I did it anyway. This sounds trite, but this certain something is really a big deal. It's the kind of thing that can cost an entire friendship. I got out the confession, using gmail chat to type part of it because it was so embarrassing.

I wait. Dead silence. I wait some more. Then, I hear, "I am going to spank you."

And everything inside me leaps and winces all at once. This dude is younger than me, but I feel 5-years-old again. He goes on to discuss why he's going to take such an action, to tell me what he feels was wrong with what I did. My stomach is still tickling, and I'm still trying to remember to breath. I try to make a strong sounding response at one point, try to rid myself of this feeling of smallness.

"Lose the attitude, Bonny-jo." Oh, was it that apparent....oops.

I want to know how he turned into such a top all of a sudden. When I first met him, yeah, he could play the top-game, but it seemed like just a game. Now it just seems so real. It seems like he really is this person. And that makes me squirmy inside, in a good way.

I'm Not That Girl

Last night was interesting. I got to try out my dom side. It's funny and sad all at once.

So I pretty much figured this guy from class out. Well, somewhat. I was talking about how when I was little, I once in awhile did something uncharacteristically mean and controlling--like making my little brother eat dirt when we played in a sandbox.

"Looks like you have some control issues." He comments.

I am taken aback. Then I begin to giggle, "That would be hilarious if I did."

"So let me guess," I go on. "I think that you are the type of guy who likes everyone to believe that he does things perfectly, never makes mistakes, has all the bases covered. But underneath it all, you would love to give up control and just let someone else take care of everything."

Awkward pause. "I don't know if anyone's ever gotten as close to it as that." He says.

"It's something I've been looking into a great deal."

We talk about possible movie times for seeing Alice in Wonderland. I had already looked them up earlier in the day.

"I can't remember if the 8:00pm ones are sold out." I say.

"I guess I could always look it up in a little bit." He says.

And it is a "magical" moment. We gaze at one another. He is waiting for something. I return his gaze, then say firmly, commandingly, one eye brow raised, "Look it up now."

He is nonplussed, but within a second he's moving to his computer. Smiling. "Uhmm...I can't believe how much I liked that tone."

I broke out into laughter, then started to moan a bit. Sorry, I'm not that girl, I tried to explain. I was just mimicking....

I was just mimicking a certain man in my life. Not College Guy. This man is older, has had many spanking relationships. I never argue with him, or if I do, it's because I know from his tone that it's alright to do so. He can switch in one the middle of a sentence from every-day-chatting-small-talk voice to a hard-fast-cold-you-are-going-to-regret-this-soon voice if the situation warrants it.

I'll talk more about him later. I think if I could just learn his technique, I could make many dudes like the guy I hung out with last night, incredibly happy. Too bad I'm not that girl.

New Implements and Men

Last night I purchased implements from Cane-iac. It's the cheapest tool-place I've found, plus, they promise to not put their name on the shipping address. Very discreet. This is good since I live with roommates.

I spent about an hour on the purchase decision. From about 1:30am-2:30am. So now I am drinking green tea and waking up. There were so many good choices, but the real reason it took so long is that this is going to be partially a gift. I'm meeting a very special guy in April, and of the three implements I bought, I want to give him two. He is a college guy who had never spanked anyone before me. And, minus a boyfriend who didn't know what he was doing besides trying to give in to my pleading request, I hadn't been truly spanked either. Our meeting was as magical as it gets. We were both scared, both shaking, both could hardly make small talk. It was a good meeting, though, and we've been talking on the phone at least 3 nights a week, chatting online more, and have met one other time.

I do not have romantic feelings for him, and although he would like to date me, he claims he does not either. Ah well, life is difficult. For now, we are friends--best friends.

I can't figure out what to call him on here, so I guess I'll call him College Guy. Not especially flattering, but it's alright. This is a guy who actually corrects my spelling as we chat online. (Erica would be so proud.) A guy that tells me if I ever try drugs again, every spanking I've ever experienced will seem like a joke compared to the one he'll give me. A guy who challenges my strict, conservative politics, all the while telling me that one has to be true to themselves and decide what kind of person they want to be in life. The only guy that has spanked me until I cried. He knows everything about everything, and if he doesn't know something, well, sorry, he does now, because he just wikipedia-ed it. A guy who is a born spanko but does not have a sadist bone in his body (unfortunately, I sometimes think).

So what implements did I buy? I can't really say for fear that College Guy will somehow use his well-honed internet searching abilities and find my blog. He's mentioned the "Bad Girl" paddle, and I almost bought it. I just couldn't do it though. I know he "says" he wants it, but folks, how tacky are huge words scrawled across an otherwise beautiful paddle? I think he just isn't thinking that far into it. In a couple years, he'll wish he had a standard, authoritarian, sleek paddle like, well...I said I wasn't telling what I got.

Tonight I'm doing dinner and a movie with a guy-friend from class. I am going to insist on paying my way, too. What do you do when you think a guy is great but do not ever want to kiss him or make-out with him? You be honest, College Guy would tell me.

Just last night he told me, absolution in his voice, "Bonnie-jo, if you care anything about your bottom, you will be completely honest with me when we meet up again." Ya see, I have a problem telling the truth if it's going to disappoint someone. Especially someone that I care a lot about. Especially someone like College Guy.

This blog's purpose is to give voice to my various rambles, musings, and, if I get lucky and can write them out before they leave my happy mind, spanking fantasies. I've been a spanko for quite awhile, have been enjoying other's spanking blogs immensly, and finally decided, enough is enough, I'm writing one too. You guys can't have all the fun.

A bit about me, since I have not yet worked up the energy to fill in the "about me" section:

• I grew up in a conservative Christian home and was told my spanking kink was some kind of sexual/emotional dysfunction.
• Since moving away I've met at least three kind men who have spanked me.
• I still love my parents immensely.
• My favorite alcoholic beverage is red wine, the sweeter the better.
• Spankingtube.com is a habit that comes and goes, like eating granny smith apples. You eat too many and you're good for weeks.
• I love philosophizing, but when life gets too depressing, I'd just like to be spanked, please.
• Erica Scott is an amazing woman. I've never seen her in a video, but I love her blog.
• My favorite spanking was one in which a bath brush was employed. The only one I've ever cried during. And I wasn't really crying because it hurt.

Well, folks, that's about all for today. Have a great weekend. And, as my mentor likes to say, "Be good."