"...it seemed
We'd seen each other in a dream
Seemed like he knew me...he looked right through me...yeah
'Come on home girl,' he said with a smile
'You don't have to love me yet, let's get high awhile,'
'But try to understand, try to understand,
Try, try, try to understand...He's a magic man'" (Magic Man, by Heart)
I heard this song on the radio the other day, and of course, it made me think of My Magician. That may or may not be a compliment, but it's true. And I miss him. College Guy says he doesn't mind if I find someone else who is older to see every now and then. But I guess I'm still missing what I had.
Life living with College Guy is interesting. I believe I have some sort of writers' block, and I apologize to you all. You probably wonder sometimes if I'm going to stop writing completely. Life gets hard to write about when it gets complicated. I miss long and almost-brutal spankings in hotel rooms where no one could here me cry out. I miss freaking out every single day about if my butt looked good for the week leading up to seeing College Guy. I even miss the long car rides to and from meeting up with him.
In exchange for all that, though, I love having someone to talk to, to hang with, to work with, to eat our dinners on top of the roof in the fading sun with, etc. It is good to have a real live person to live with, rather than to wait for a telephone conversation at the end of the day.
College Guy and I got into a heated discussion the other day, and he said something that hurt a bit, something I've heard before, something that he apologized for later. It's not like at the moment I hadn't been doing things that I apologized for too....Anyway, what he said in a moment of true frustration was, "You don't want a real live human being do you? I guess you don't know what you want..." It was a low moment for both of us, and at the moment, I felt like he was completely right.
I'm still not sure if he is or not.
Of course I want a real person. But I know a lot of times my expectations for how much of a struggle a dom can take from me and still "win" is too high to expect of anyone. I wonder if this is more normal ( I hope, lol) than some people may think. Does not everyone have some kind of fantasy of what they want out of a significant other that is way too difficult for a real person to fulfill? Isn't compromise a major struggle in relationships? Conversation explaining what one would like, conversation about what one knows is impossible, conversation about what one will be working on, these are the conversations that strengthen a couple against the battering ram of time.
My Magician was a real person too, but the fantasy, magic-ness, or unrealness of how I saw him was a direct result of how little I saw him, the kind of contact I had with him, and more than anything, how I was determined to make him like me whenever we saw one another in person. I tried to be perfect in his presence.
There is something about being able to show someone your worst and have them say, "It's okay. I still accept you." We'll work this out.
My Magician did that a lot. Said, it's okay, I still accept you, We'll work this out. And I showed him my worst sometimes. But this was all via email or phone conversations. Don't get me wrong. It was still important. It was still tons important. But it wasn't as real as it could have been.
There comes a time, though, when one must let their fantasy, their unreal-man stay in their head and accept the real man, men, or people in their lives. Not that the real people don't have room for improvement and growth. Because they do.
And furthermore, there comes a time when I must accept myself, my own realness, and let the little perfect rebel-girl stay in my head. This 24-year old woman typing these words is who I really am. There comes a time when one must give up the remorse that they cannot be a 12 year old child. The adult that I am is a gift and one that I must take hold of and accept. Not that there isn't room for improvement. And not that I can't be both rebel-girl and mature-woman when the time is right. Because I can.
We'd seen each other in a dream
Seemed like he knew me...he looked right through me...yeah
'Come on home girl,' he said with a smile
'You don't have to love me yet, let's get high awhile,'
'But try to understand, try to understand,
Try, try, try to understand...He's a magic man'" (Magic Man, by Heart)
I heard this song on the radio the other day, and of course, it made me think of My Magician. That may or may not be a compliment, but it's true. And I miss him. College Guy says he doesn't mind if I find someone else who is older to see every now and then. But I guess I'm still missing what I had.
Life living with College Guy is interesting. I believe I have some sort of writers' block, and I apologize to you all. You probably wonder sometimes if I'm going to stop writing completely. Life gets hard to write about when it gets complicated. I miss long and almost-brutal spankings in hotel rooms where no one could here me cry out. I miss freaking out every single day about if my butt looked good for the week leading up to seeing College Guy. I even miss the long car rides to and from meeting up with him.
In exchange for all that, though, I love having someone to talk to, to hang with, to work with, to eat our dinners on top of the roof in the fading sun with, etc. It is good to have a real live person to live with, rather than to wait for a telephone conversation at the end of the day.
College Guy and I got into a heated discussion the other day, and he said something that hurt a bit, something I've heard before, something that he apologized for later. It's not like at the moment I hadn't been doing things that I apologized for too....Anyway, what he said in a moment of true frustration was, "You don't want a real live human being do you? I guess you don't know what you want..." It was a low moment for both of us, and at the moment, I felt like he was completely right.
I'm still not sure if he is or not.
Of course I want a real person. But I know a lot of times my expectations for how much of a struggle a dom can take from me and still "win" is too high to expect of anyone. I wonder if this is more normal ( I hope, lol) than some people may think. Does not everyone have some kind of fantasy of what they want out of a significant other that is way too difficult for a real person to fulfill? Isn't compromise a major struggle in relationships? Conversation explaining what one would like, conversation about what one knows is impossible, conversation about what one will be working on, these are the conversations that strengthen a couple against the battering ram of time.
My Magician was a real person too, but the fantasy, magic-ness, or unrealness of how I saw him was a direct result of how little I saw him, the kind of contact I had with him, and more than anything, how I was determined to make him like me whenever we saw one another in person. I tried to be perfect in his presence.
There is something about being able to show someone your worst and have them say, "It's okay. I still accept you." We'll work this out.
My Magician did that a lot. Said, it's okay, I still accept you, We'll work this out. And I showed him my worst sometimes. But this was all via email or phone conversations. Don't get me wrong. It was still important. It was still tons important. But it wasn't as real as it could have been.
There comes a time, though, when one must let their fantasy, their unreal-man stay in their head and accept the real man, men, or people in their lives. Not that the real people don't have room for improvement and growth. Because they do.
And furthermore, there comes a time when I must accept myself, my own realness, and let the little perfect rebel-girl stay in my head. This 24-year old woman typing these words is who I really am. There comes a time when one must give up the remorse that they cannot be a 12 year old child. The adult that I am is a gift and one that I must take hold of and accept. Not that there isn't room for improvement. And not that I can't be both rebel-girl and mature-woman when the time is right. Because I can.
no need for a 24 yo human being to act all grown up! Seriously, I had the feeling of "now I am an adult indeed" only when I was like 35 yo.
ReplyDeleteJust saying :-)
Thoughtful post, Bonnie-Jo. It's taken me 60 years to stop trying to make my wife over into something different,hope you can do better than that..
ReplyDeleteHaha, Tina, no worries there. I definitely do not. I just sometimes need to remind myself that there is worth in being adult-like too. And I can enjoy being mature as well.
ReplyDeleteMalcolm, my guess is we never really stop, and I don't think anyone does. It's just good to let some reality in and appreciate the reality too.