6.05.2011

A Virgin Spanko Wimp

After we had been meeting for some time, College Guy and I began exploring other areas that were not spanking- related, areas that were much more vanilla, or at least, much more the norm. For me, however, these activities were scarier than any spanking could ever be. And equally exciting.

There is no easy way to put this, and I hope you all don't think I'm making this up, but the truth is that I am a virgin. College Guy and I have never had vaginal sex. Writing that fact in this post is incredibly embarrassing to me, and not because I'm ashamed of some kind of personal convictions. My virginity, while at a time due to religous conviction, is presently only due to fear and discomfort while trying to have sex. I feel it is my own stupid fault and due to great wimpiness.

Here I am, a spanko with huge pain tolerance. My bottom can withstand just about anything. But when it comes to my pussy, I am, well, a pussy.

I grew up very conservatively, with anything sexual outside of marriage denounced as horrid sin.
This, I believe, is some of the problem. I don't know what the rest of the problem is.

I have come a long way though, mostly due to College Guy and his patience coupled with unyielding persistence.

How I need his persistence.

When we first met, he could hardly touch me "down there", without me freaking out. And he, being a virgin as well (aw, ain't it cute, I know..I know..) didn't really know what he was doing. He googled info on what to do and we talked a lot. We've dabbled  with a lot of different ideas and ways of playing. It's been a growing experience, but the growth, I feel, has been slow on my part.

But there has been some growth.  Half the time when he touches me now, I don't slap his hands away and try to flip over onto my stomach so that he'll only touch my bottom. One time, he strapped my hands for knocking his hands away from my pussy.

"You will use your mouth and not your hands to tell me what you want, young lady. You will talk to me. Do you understand?"

But I still have huge problems with it all. I have learned to tolerate and actally greatly enjoy outside stimulation, but any attempts to enter me and my fight or flight insticts gear up full-force.

And yet I want him inside me. I want to have sex. And just as importantly, I want to kill this huge fear of losing my virginity and of intercourse in general.

I don't know how to fix my problem. All I know is even though he tells me, "As a guy I have the easier role, you know. All I have to do is put this thing inside of you. I know it's all a lot more difficult for you", I think he has the harder role. Because I get so afraid and so upset, and he is the one who has to keep it together and not let me dissuade him from trying.

Last night, he tried harder than I've ever seen him try.

And I was fighting him harder than perhaps I've ever fought before.

I'm not quite sure how the Bonnie-jo logic works with this, but it's something like the following: I'm so afraid of sex and perhaps even more so afraid of not being able to take the pain that comes with losing one's virginity. So I've convinced myself that something is wrong with me. It feels unnatural to me. So I must be different from everyone else. The only way I can possibly have sex is to let it be done to me. The only way I can "let it be done" is if I stop fighting and just receive it. And the only way I can stop fighting is if College Guy makes me stop. I can't stop on my own. Stopping on my own would be the same as not being afraid. The fear of this is very much a part of who I am. So I need for him to take it over, make me obey him. So that I can do what he wants and not what I want, which, in the moment  of trying to have sex, is to not have sex.

I hope that makes sense. I want sex. But in the moment of trying, I don't anymore. So I need him to take it, to make me do what he wants. If he doesn't, I"ll get what I want. But I won't ever really get what I actually want.
So fastforward to our attempts that night to finally have sex. College Guy is trying to get me to stay still. I'm squirming and wiggling and freaking out whenever he gets close to entering me. Soon, I'm outright just trying to get away. We've done this before. In the past, he's just said, "Okay, we'll try later." And given me a big smile. Usually I end up crying out of frustration and he ends up comforting me and telling me I'll get there some day. But not so last night. Last night, he got more conrolling and more angry the more I squirmed and wiggled and was difficult.

It was 3 am and we were both becoming more and more emotional and frustrated. I was sniffling and depressed and he was fed up.

Finally, he said. "I want you to at least give me a minimum effort here. You're not even trying the slightest bit to stay still. You're being a baby. Either try or let me do something else with my night."

"I can't help it!!!!" I shot back. Then, "I need to lose my personality, I need to be broken, then I could do it."
For 3-4 seconds we held each other's angry and frustrated gaze.

Then I suddenly find myself on my back, his shoulder somehow up against my raised legs. In seconds his finger (or fingers?) was inside of me, all the way inside. My reaction was a half scream/half moan, and then his other hand spread over my mouth. My hand was on his hand with the finger inside me instantly. I could feel his hand/arm shaking with the strain of trying to stay inside as I attempted to pull away.

"We are going to stay this way for a long time. You're going to wait until this feels more normal. Take your hand off my arm please." His voice is curt and matter-of fact.

I just breathe and slowly, slowly, I inch my hand off of his arm, I place both hands on the ground where we're lying. It's my best attempt at letting go all night.

"Now breathe, Bonnie-jo. Come on. In. " He takes a dramatic breath of air. "And now another one." I try to slow my breathing as I whimper against his hand. I can tell he's gone all the way inside. Something is stinging oddly and I'm trying to not think so that I won't completely freak.

I turn my head under his hand but he keeps his clasp on my mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm just covering your mouth for the neighbors."

"I know. It's okay. It's okay." I mumble into his hand.

He keeps encourgaging me to slow my breathing. I try. Then he jostles his finger and pulls back a tiny bit, then pushes forward. I twist my head away from his clasping hand. "Take it out! Take it out!" I sob. "Please."

"No." He keeps up the slight motion for a couple more seconds, then slides his finger out. I immediately curl up and dissolve into tears, but they are those short-spent kind. In seconds I'm smiling up at him and feeling sleepy.

"We've gotten farther than we've ever gotten before."

"Yup."

"I want you to know I'm fine with doing that. That's something we're going to need to do until you get used to it. And I don't mind. We won't be doing it every day, but I'm thinking once or twice a week."

I just groan....but inside, I'm hugely excited. Maybe, just maybe, we can win this battle together. Maybe.









5 comments:

  1. No, I don't think you're making this up. In fact, one of the first women I had sex with had exactly this same problem. I dated her for about two years, but in that time we never had any penis-in-vagina sex. She was petrified of having anything in her vagina and said that it hurt even to try.

    I think that this was a result of some trauma she had as a child, but I never actually tried to find out the exact cause. I think it hurt her to talk about it.

    We had other kinds of sex (mostly oral sex). She wanted to get through this, but we couldn't find a way, and we didn't have a budding D/s relationship to "help" us. In that, perhaps, you are lucky. I think that you will need to be able to face the pain in a way that your spanking relationship might help you understand and tolerate.

    After we broke up, she went with other men and somehow learned to overcome her problem. I don't know how that worked. Eventually, however, I spent some time with her later and she was happy to let me slip my finger into her vagina. I wish that it had been so easy the first day we played together. But, that's not how life deals its cards.

    I can only tell you that I believe that once you have desensitized yourself to the pain of it and allow yourself to relax into it that you will feel some very pleasurable experiences. To a great extent that comes from learning how good sex is. I don't mean just pleasurable or nice to do, but good. Sex, properly done, is a way of expressing love. It demonstrates acceptance of the other, and acceptance is a powerful form of love.

    By default, sex is loving and it is good. It does not need to be redeemed in any way. What is bad is when sex is used to take away love, as it can be. Sex can be used in unloving ways. That is not its natural state. It's natural state is to express love, and that is a very good thing.

    What's regrettable is that some people go to a lot of effort to make sex wrong, to label it evil, to denigrate it. When they do that, they take away one of the most wonderful things about being human. I think that's a great crime. We have to fight that, and the way to fight it is to enjoy sex, to celebrate it, and to pass on that acceptance and enjoyment to others. That battle starts with accepting our own sexuality, along with all that goes with it.

    Take a long look at your body. Look at all of it. It is a Very Good Thing. It is a tremendous gift and something to treasure. All of it.

    To really celebrate life we should participate in it. We should explore it, understand it, and experience it. That's our mission. Don't let anyone get in your way.

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  2. Scarleteen.org - check it out. It'll help!

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  3. So I'm just some internet stranger, and maybe you guys have fixed this by now, but I had/have this same problem. My doctor called it Vaginismus, and had me get something called the V Book. I would greatly recommend it. My condition was a big old combination of fear (partly due to a religious childhood) and a pretty sucky ex boyfriend. In any case, I had to go to physical therapy to get my pelvis muscles to cooperate.

    What College Guy did here is pretty much what my physical therapist had me do - insert and breathe (although she used dilators, which are rather awful). My current boyfriend and I are able to have awesome sex now, but I still have to do some deep breathing at points.

    Anyway, all this rambling and TMI is really just to recommend that book, say you're not alone, and that it definitely gets better. Good luck!

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  4. Thanks, guys, for all your comments on this subject.
    Anonymous, I'll have to look "Vaginismus" up. But yeah, I do believe we share similar pasts and combinations. :) Your physical therapy sounds downright awful though...hmm..I do hope it doesn't come to that.
    Have we "fixed" this yet? No, but we've done what I've talked about in this blog some. It gets a tiny tiny bit better each time, I think. Once again, thank you all for your comments.

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  5. Another word to look up is Vulvodynia, the two are usually connected. The physical therapy was scary, but ultimately very helpful. It turned out that I didn't even know what it *felt* like to be relaxed down there. So 90% of it was me using a machine that beeped when my muscles calmed down - that I would actually recommend a lot. I also had to stop having sex for a while, since doing that stuff when it's super painful just make things worse. But it was worth it.

    I'm glad to hear it's getting better :) I'm sorry for the extra rambling, but I know how awful it can feel so I want to go and spread hope, hah.

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