I Miss Him

Can a girl be so spoiled as to have a great top/dom/boyfriend like I do...and still miss her Magician?
I know I am. I'm that spoiled.
We've decided that it's best we don't see each other for awhile, and maybe indefinitely. I don't use words like "FOREVER". I refuse. Only God uses a word like forever. And part of the time, it's about hell being forever, so I don't like to follow in those kinds of  footsteps. No. Forever is not in the picture.
I really do hope to see him again.
And I miss him.
But I'll get over it, I suppose.
Maybe it's that I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person. Maybe I can't ever give myself fully to one man--my boyfriend--and then only give a part of my self to someone else. Maybe it's all or nothing. I'd like to think that's why things aren't working out. That if our situations were different (And I wouldn't trade College Guy for anyone), my Magician and I could continue where we left off.
It would be nice to think that the problem wasn't with ourselves.
Even though it was probably both--the situation, but also ourselves...
I want to blame him.
I want to blame me.
I want to blame him so that he'll make it better. Change it. Fix it. Make it stop hurting. Please. Work some magic.
I want to blame me so I can let go of it. I want to say, "I couldn't help it. It's how I am. I can't change the way things are. So, it was inevitable. And it was my choice. So it's ultimately my fault. But it's not my fault because I couldn't help how life progressed."
How nice, to think that something that hurts is inevitable. Can't be helped. Not my fault. Not his fault.
More than anything else, I want him to not blame me. I hate that, and I think that's part of the reason I'm attracted to punishment spankings. It may be unhealthy, but there's something lovely about showing someone that you will "pay for your sins".
But we lived far apart. I haven't seen him for almost a year. Our only contact was through weekly emails. It's not like the pain should last too long for either of us, right?
I hope not.
And I feel guilty. I have College Guy. It is more than enough. And...am I leaving him with nothing?
Of course not.
Of course not. I couldn't ever envision him wanting when it comes to female attention. It will happen. And he will be fine.
Still, I wonder about it. And I miss him.