4.16.2011

The Conclusion

After our "break", I am back on the bed, with my feet on the floor, hands still tied behind my back. And I am rambling about why I had squirmed out of the rope on my wrists earlier: " I think I thought I was going to cry, and I didn't want to, and I almost couldn't. And I was afraid that if I did start crying, it'd be too much of a crying scene."
"You know I don't mind your tears," He says.
"I know."
I can't remember actually all that went on next. Maybe it was more of the wooden paddle...with some caresses worked in there somewhere too. And then a tiny bit of the cane.
At one point, I wiggled down the bed-side, hoping to make the cane-stroke miss my sit spot. "You move like that one more time and you are in huge trouble, Bonnie-jo."
"I'm sorry..."
"If I hadn't seen you move, I could have easily hit your back. And that could have been dangerous."
"Hmph." I grumble. "I'm sure it would have felt better than what you've been doing."
Finally, he says, "You're almost done. 20 strokes of the cane---"
And I interrupt with whimpers and wiggles that put emphasis into my words, "No, no, no, no, I can't..I can't...Please no..." And I feel the panicked feeling coming back, and the feeling where I want to cry, but can't, and am holding back, for dear life.
"Hush. Yes, you can. And you will. They won't be fast, okay? They'll be really slow. You can do this."
I groan. "Okay, I know I can too."
"Okay."
I still myself now. Sometimes I react to a stroke, and he lets me squirm after each one, and then I still myself again.
Waiting.
Towards the middle of the 20 strokes, I'm sobbing after each one, but it's that kind of sobbing that is forced, the only way to let out the pain, and it dies down seconds after each stroke's fury dies down.
And then it's over.
I can't remember exactly how the rest goes. But I know that I wanted to cry when it was over. The need was the hugest I've ever felt. I needed that release, and was concentrating on working up the tears.
But College Guy doesn't  know. He hears me sniffling and he is intent on comforting, of course.
"I"m going to go get my lotion and take care of your bottom, okay, Bonnie-jo?"
I'm sniffling, and I don't  answer. Hoping my silence will give him a clue that something is wrong. The tears aren't coming. And I suddenly want him to spank me more. I want to cry so badly.
He pulls me into a sitting position on his lap, and I curl up, trying to bring the tears forward, but they're not coming.
 So I roll over onto his lap. This is the position that feels right still. No others do.
"Do you seriously want me to spank you more?"
I whimper, the tears are almost there. I'm grasping at them. Arghgh!! They're not coming!
"Bonnie-jo."
I don't respond.
"My lotion is over there on the table. I would get it and use it. But you are on my lap. Can you get up and bring it to me?"
I'm angry. I want to cry. I get up and attempt stomping over to it. But I'm slightly dizzy and feel kind of weird, like I'm tipsy or something. I manage to pick up the lotion (it's actually Aloe Vera, but let's call it what he called it....), and I don't hand it to him. I toss it at him.
"Here." I say.
"Get over my lap."
I do so. And as he touches my bottom, rubbing the lotion gently in, it stings slightly, and I sigh into the bedspread. And then, through the kindness of his touches, I get what I wanted. I cry. It begins softly, and soon I can feel my body shaking gently with the sobs. I don't think I've ever cried this hard before in front of him. But I console myself that it's not really in front of him. The bedspread hides my face. And he can't really see.
My tears fill me up, and my shaking subsides, as he continues to smooth my bottom, gently up my back, then down my legs.
Then he asks me, "Are you okay?"
And I say, "Yes, I am now."
He leaves to get a bucket of ice, and I stretch out on the bed while he's gone, almost falling asleep.
He puts the ice in the bag, and I say petulantly, "You don't have to do it, I can do it myself."
His hand comes down hard on my sore bottom and I yelp.
 "No you can't," He says. " I'm doing this."


2 comments:

  1. Well..about time! I've been wating for the conclusion!
    Isn't that release just the most wonderful thing in the world?
    I crave it in times of high stress and fortunately Nigel has no trouble providing it. That release of endorphins that leads you to that point...and the combination of tenderness and structure....are perfectly matched to give us just exactly what we need. Even if we do not think so at the time.
    Emily

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  2. "Crave" is a perfect word for that feeling of need. Yes, I crave it too.
    Not so sure if I like the moments right before the buildup...they're a bit scary. But maybe that's cause I fight it so hard.
    I'm glad you've got Nigel, and I hope the time between now and when he sees you goes by uber fast.

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