(I wrote this post at least a week or two ago, but decided against posting it (but have now decided to in case someone doesn't realize how crazy I can sometimes get). It was probably on a Monday. I'm beginning to hate Mondays. On Mondays, I'm supposed to do 3 hours of homework. How many have I done today? One solitary hour. What is my excuse for my laziness? I don't have one. I've been doing a lot nothing. And I don't like myself. I don't like the ways I'm feeling, the choices I'm making or want to make. I want a spanking so bad. Anyway, here is the post. Enjoy.)
College Guy called me weak the other day, and it hurt. It was because I was refusing to define some term in a discussion we were having. It was a small thing. I was digging in my heels for no reason, or so he thought. It hurt and it didn't hurt. I've always wondered how we can define things anyway. I'm such a relativist..at least..I like to think I am. "Relativist" is a word I'm trying to define myself by, and that is just nullifying and ironic in itself.
But I am weak. And I am afraid. There are good things about me--especially when I'm happy. I'm fun to be around, when I am happy that is. And I can be counted on to be loyal...that is..if I'm happy.
Everyday College Guy asks me how I'm feeling. "How are you feeling? Are you okay today?" Like I'm already a member of his client list and he's checking in. I'm usually good. I"m usually happy. And if not good, I know I'll be feeling better. I make sure to ask him too. Make it even. Make it less than what it is.
But today I"m not okay. Today I'm weak. Today I"m afraid.
I love him. Or at least, I want him. I want him in the most selfish way possible....meaning that I want him physically, emotionally. I want him.
This makes me undesirable in my own eyes, perhaps in his too. You know, you don't want to get married...because as soon as a guy knows he really has you, he doesn't want you anymore. Just when you were getting used to the idea. That's what I wonder if dating is like.
I"m too scared to be good. Being strong in a relationship and fighting for it takes guts.
It's not that I don't see that.
I"m afraid.
I"m so fucking afraid.
This is why I need to be punished, and punished as hard as I can possibly live through. Otherwise the pain of this will be too much. And the fear of this will consume me. And I"ll end up----fat, overly-masterbated, and stark raving mad. Hating myself, possibly hiring someone to kill me (by spanking please, can you go that way?)
I want College Guy now. I like him now. I like him.
Do you know how scary that is? What if I make him hate me? I don't know if I'm freaking out and letting go by not trying as hard now because I feel it's inevitable....I don't know.
College Guy called me weak the other day, and it hurt. It was because I was refusing to define some term in a discussion we were having. It was a small thing. I was digging in my heels for no reason, or so he thought. It hurt and it didn't hurt. I've always wondered how we can define things anyway. I'm such a relativist..at least..I like to think I am. "Relativist" is a word I'm trying to define myself by, and that is just nullifying and ironic in itself.
But I am weak. And I am afraid. There are good things about me--especially when I'm happy. I'm fun to be around, when I am happy that is. And I can be counted on to be loyal...that is..if I'm happy.
Everyday College Guy asks me how I'm feeling. "How are you feeling? Are you okay today?" Like I'm already a member of his client list and he's checking in. I'm usually good. I"m usually happy. And if not good, I know I'll be feeling better. I make sure to ask him too. Make it even. Make it less than what it is.
But today I"m not okay. Today I'm weak. Today I"m afraid.
I love him. Or at least, I want him. I want him in the most selfish way possible....meaning that I want him physically, emotionally. I want him.
This makes me undesirable in my own eyes, perhaps in his too. You know, you don't want to get married...because as soon as a guy knows he really has you, he doesn't want you anymore. Just when you were getting used to the idea. That's what I wonder if dating is like.
I"m too scared to be good. Being strong in a relationship and fighting for it takes guts.
It's not that I don't see that.
I"m afraid.
I"m so fucking afraid.
This is why I need to be punished, and punished as hard as I can possibly live through. Otherwise the pain of this will be too much. And the fear of this will consume me. And I"ll end up----fat, overly-masterbated, and stark raving mad. Hating myself, possibly hiring someone to kill me (by spanking please, can you go that way?)
I want College Guy now. I like him now. I like him.
Do you know how scary that is? What if I make him hate me? I don't know if I'm freaking out and letting go by not trying as hard now because I feel it's inevitable....I don't know.
Hey, all. Sorry for unleashing a bit of the crazy on you. It really helped me to post that though. I am back from work and feel TONS better. So yeah. Things are looking better.
ReplyDeleteBonnie Jo you certainly will be spanked for bad language ,love and spanks ,tim xx
ReplyDeleteNope, nope. Not if the top uses more bad language than you do, which most do. I swear probably once every two weeks. And that's it. I have a very hard time swearing, actually. I'd like to learn how to do it better. I even felt bad about using it in the subject of the post. :)
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