Today College Guy tutors a girl from his job because she has been struggling in a certain subject.

Be still my beating heart, and while you're at it, please please please stop hating him and feeling like he has cheated on you already, beating heart, because he HAS NOT.  Can you understand that?

And I know it's true.  But right now,  my heart does hurt when I think about it.  And it hurts when I remember all the arguments and discussions we've had about it, with me crying (yes, crying, I suck!!) about it and him holding his ground with "Bonnie-jo, it's just an hour in a public place to help someone who needs it". And "Bonnie-jo, this will be good for you."

I definitely need to get a grip.

And I am getting a grip.  But where I have found my grip is a scary place for me.  I have mostly gotten past the pain of this.  But in that non-pain place, I don't think much about this.  And in that non-pain place, I don't think much about him.  I don't think of much of anything.

I am trying to make myself understand that I need to be whole without him.  But I just think it's a cruel, sadistic world that would make things turn out that way.  There was a time when I didn't love him as much as I do.  There was a time when I didn't know for sure who I would choose to be close to if they made me do it--my magician or College Guy.  There was a time.

And now, when I began to feel so secure and safe and happy, I learned I was doing it all wrong.  Hello tumultuous world. 

1 comment:

  1. Hello Bonnie-Jo

    I looks like we have been blogging about the same amount of time. I have not seen your site before but since I saw it on Erica Scott's blog roll I had to stop by. Feel like exchanging links?