Tutoring

Today College Guy tutors a girl from his job because she has been struggling in a certain subject.

Be still my beating heart, and while you're at it, please please please stop hating him and feeling like he has cheated on you already, beating heart, because he HAS NOT.  Can you understand that?

And I know it's true.  But right now,  my heart does hurt when I think about it.  And it hurts when I remember all the arguments and discussions we've had about it, with me crying (yes, crying, I suck!!) about it and him holding his ground with "Bonnie-jo, it's just an hour in a public place to help someone who needs it". And "Bonnie-jo, this will be good for you."

I definitely need to get a grip.

And I am getting a grip.  But where I have found my grip is a scary place for me.  I have mostly gotten past the pain of this.  But in that non-pain place, I don't think much about this.  And in that non-pain place, I don't think much about him.  I don't think of much of anything.

I am trying to make myself understand that I need to be whole without him.  But I just think it's a cruel, sadistic world that would make things turn out that way.  There was a time when I didn't love him as much as I do.  There was a time when I didn't know for sure who I would choose to be close to if they made me do it--my magician or College Guy.  There was a time.

And now, when I began to feel so secure and safe and happy, I learned I was doing it all wrong.  Hello tumultuous world. 

For My Benefit, Not Yours

Sorry folks, I'm in a sort of mood, and I'm going to use all you strangers as some kind of incentive to try to get out how I've been feeling lately and what I've been trying to deal with.  I know this is not the kind of blog post anyone especially enjoys.  Who wants to read some weepy, emotional I-know-I-suck crap especially when that someone is a perfect stranger.  So, you've been apologized to, and you've been warned.  All pervy or nosy individuals who love reading about others emotions and hangups, read on.

I stayed home from work today.  I'm already feeling guilty about it and promising myself this will not happen again for at least until after Christmas.  Even if I"m actually sick, somehow I'm going to drag myself to work because I simply have to let my bosses see they can count on me.  But I couldn't work.  I just couldn't.

I couldn't sleep last night, at least not well.  It was that sort of surface sleep where bad dreams love to show themselves, where I always wake up in a sweat, where really all I'm doing is pulling problems out of my head as I sleep, examining them, trying to fix them, and then trying to make myself stop thinking about them.

I was telling College Guy last night that a neurologist I had seen interviewed in a documentary by Roco Belic called "Happy" said that there is no mental or emotional pleasure without mental or emotional pain.  College Guy claims the neurologist was generalizing like crazy and disagreed with that statement being a hard core rule, but I keep wondering if it is true.

It has been almost 2 years since I've cheated on College Guy.  I have not cheated since.  And part of me is itching to do something (not cheating, but something) that will make him worried, that will make him sad (I guess I'm sadistic too?) that will make him wish he could have me when maybe he's afraid he can't.

And I tell myself that the reason I want him to feel those ways--sad, worried, needy--is that I want him to still be thrilled with the fact that in the end, we have each other.  That in the end, he still has me, despite all the ways he had been feeling.  I want him to be happy.

But I think that is only part of it.  The other part is the "feel my pain!" part.  Because right now in our relationship, for some reason, I have been feeling all those ways I described--super worried, sad, wanting to know I have him and have him forever (almost so much so that I want to get married--something that is really kind of odd for me to want to do and has never happened to me before in the past).  I don't know what to do with these strong emotions.  I don't know how to use them to help our relationship become stronger.  It's not his problem, it's my problem.

There has been something in my life that I feel has really caused or brought about these feelings of stress.  There is this girl who's dating College Guy's brother, and I just cannot handle how she makes me feel.

She is the exact opposite of me.  Everything I see her do is so contrary to everything I would ever think to do it is unbelievable.  The way she treats College Guy is sisterly, I suppose, but sometimes it's in such a forward, controlling way, I just come away from it all, seeing red and my head reeling.

I don't know if I've ever hated anyone as much.  But more so, I hate the way I feel around her and around him, his family and friends in general.  It's not his problem, it's mine.

This past weekend, he hung out with his family and friends without me.  It was a spur of the moment thing, and they live aways away, so of course, I wasn't there and he was, which is perfectly fine, except for that tickling feeling of "He had so much fun without me."

Anyway, during the hanging out time, his brother said something mean about the girlfriend. His brother is an ass like that.  Everyone is used to it, at least I think they are.  College Guy pointed out, in only the fashion that he has done for his whole life long when it concerns his brother, that his brother was being a jerk.  But in pointing out how jerky his brother was being, I feel he underscored what his brother had said and made it worse.  He is so insensitive like this around them, and it's like no one understands how to see anything.  It's one of those things where you have to be there or at least hear the whole story to understand.  Anyway...

They are so strong, all of them--College Guy, his family and friends--in ways that I simply am not.  I'm sensitive, try to be careful with my words unless I'm super angry.  I'm artsy, understated, funny in a weird, obscure, campy way, or sometimes not funny at all.  I am a nurturer.  I want people to be okay.  And above all else, I want to be okay.

I don't know what's wrong with me these days.  I don't know why all I can do is compare myself to his family and friends (and especially his brother's girlfriend) and come up for air, lungs burning, head spinning, mind completely vegetable-like in almost every way.  What's wrong with me...is all I can think..and I don't want to lose him.  I love him.  But I don't trust him.  I don't trust that he really does like me, that he really does like who I am. It's such a lonely, scared, empty feeling.