I told College Guy when I first met him that I liked the idea of fighting a spanking. I liked the idea of being hard to handle. I wanted to make him work to get me, for him to be strong and then to be rewarded for his efforts. I wanted a strong guy that could win, and I wanted to be the prize.
But that doesn't mean that I never want to win. When we have arguments or discussions, I still want to be right. That doesn't change. When I tell him my opinion, I want him to agree with me. When I want to watch the movie I want to watch, I want to watch it. And when he starts spanking me really hard, and I ask if this can't please be a fun spanking and not too hard , I want him to say yes. I want him to give me what I want. I want to be happy.
And I win often. Perhaps that means I'm spoiled. But I like it.
There's another side to this "winning" thing, and I'm not sure how to go about explaining it. It has to do with my weird way I relate to most of the girls I have ever known. I think something sort of traumatic (just a little, haha) happened to me in 7th grade, and I can easily get stuck back into that junior high mindset. I never really left it. Back in 7th grade, I remember that suddenly there were cool girls and uncool girls. (Look, I realize this was forever ago, and probably for most it started in much younger years. But I think it affected me , and I was somewhat of a late bloomer socially.) There were girls who talked about boys, tried to get boyfriends, and wore clothes bought at the mall. Then there were the fat girls and the nerdy girls. I wanted to be in the cool category so badly, but instead of even attempting to do so, I made friends with the outcasts. I told myself that the outcast group was just as good as the cool one, but what I really believed was something completely opposite: I believed that the cool group was made up of people I could never be friends with, and furthermore, I believed that they were somehow partially inhuman or messed up morally. They were cruel people who couldn't possibly have good emotions or feelings and they were not to be trusted. So began a lovely adult life....
Now I've never quite had this problem with guys, although I suppose a lot of the hot or handsome guys I've known have been stuck in the cool, "immoral" category as well. There was a day when I would never talk to a guy if he was handsome. It just was not something I felt qualified to do.
My mom used to tell me, "You are the prettiest girl in your entire school, it's just that you don't wear your clothes tight or the amount of makeup a lot of the girls wear." While she was overdoing it about being the prettiest, she was correct in her style assessment.
So now I am an adult, and I wear tight clothes and makeup. I know how to be at least somewhat "cool". And yet, I still hate beautiful women with a passion. I really do. Of the 3 small spanking parties I have been to, I felt like I was on the top of the totem pole, the youngest, thinnest, and most spankable at all three parties, or at least of two out of the three parties. When I feel that way, I feel like I'm back in that crowd of outcasts. I am the cooler one in the group of uncools. I relax, I smile, I have fun. But stick me in a group of hot women and I hate them internally and clam up. I hate this. But it's what I do.
If you are fatter than me, chances are I will be your friend. And, since America is full of those who are at least slightly overweight, it's not really hard to find friends like that.
But I know something deep is wrong with me and with how I view things. I have always felt like an artist at heart. I love movies. I love books and music and theatre. In these things, the more beautiful and "perfect" the subject, male or female, the more I love them. I love beautiful and gorgeous actors, singers, dancers, etc. Why oh why can't I love them also in real life?
I could go on and on about this in the disjointed way I am writing. Sorry, everyone, but I have decided that I am going to write when I feel like writing, even if its about something non spanko. So this first entry is an example of what things might get down to. Hope you're as excited as I am...
The thing is, I'm going to a larger spanking party, with lots of young people, in the near future. I just don't know how I'm going to handle girl bottoms there who are as desirable (or probably more so) than myself. Oh, well, I' ve got to learn how to handle this one day. I've got to get out of 7th grade and begin living like an adult. I've got to learn to love people and to love beautiful ones, in reality, and not just ones in my own head. I've got to realize that beauty is not something to be had. Beauty is something to recognize and pass along and to share. Maybe.
But that doesn't mean that I never want to win. When we have arguments or discussions, I still want to be right. That doesn't change. When I tell him my opinion, I want him to agree with me. When I want to watch the movie I want to watch, I want to watch it. And when he starts spanking me really hard, and I ask if this can't please be a fun spanking and not too hard , I want him to say yes. I want him to give me what I want. I want to be happy.
And I win often. Perhaps that means I'm spoiled. But I like it.
There's another side to this "winning" thing, and I'm not sure how to go about explaining it. It has to do with my weird way I relate to most of the girls I have ever known. I think something sort of traumatic (just a little, haha) happened to me in 7th grade, and I can easily get stuck back into that junior high mindset. I never really left it. Back in 7th grade, I remember that suddenly there were cool girls and uncool girls. (Look, I realize this was forever ago, and probably for most it started in much younger years. But I think it affected me , and I was somewhat of a late bloomer socially.) There were girls who talked about boys, tried to get boyfriends, and wore clothes bought at the mall. Then there were the fat girls and the nerdy girls. I wanted to be in the cool category so badly, but instead of even attempting to do so, I made friends with the outcasts. I told myself that the outcast group was just as good as the cool one, but what I really believed was something completely opposite: I believed that the cool group was made up of people I could never be friends with, and furthermore, I believed that they were somehow partially inhuman or messed up morally. They were cruel people who couldn't possibly have good emotions or feelings and they were not to be trusted. So began a lovely adult life....
Now I've never quite had this problem with guys, although I suppose a lot of the hot or handsome guys I've known have been stuck in the cool, "immoral" category as well. There was a day when I would never talk to a guy if he was handsome. It just was not something I felt qualified to do.
My mom used to tell me, "You are the prettiest girl in your entire school, it's just that you don't wear your clothes tight or the amount of makeup a lot of the girls wear." While she was overdoing it about being the prettiest, she was correct in her style assessment.
So now I am an adult, and I wear tight clothes and makeup. I know how to be at least somewhat "cool". And yet, I still hate beautiful women with a passion. I really do. Of the 3 small spanking parties I have been to, I felt like I was on the top of the totem pole, the youngest, thinnest, and most spankable at all three parties, or at least of two out of the three parties. When I feel that way, I feel like I'm back in that crowd of outcasts. I am the cooler one in the group of uncools. I relax, I smile, I have fun. But stick me in a group of hot women and I hate them internally and clam up. I hate this. But it's what I do.
If you are fatter than me, chances are I will be your friend. And, since America is full of those who are at least slightly overweight, it's not really hard to find friends like that.
But I know something deep is wrong with me and with how I view things. I have always felt like an artist at heart. I love movies. I love books and music and theatre. In these things, the more beautiful and "perfect" the subject, male or female, the more I love them. I love beautiful and gorgeous actors, singers, dancers, etc. Why oh why can't I love them also in real life?
I could go on and on about this in the disjointed way I am writing. Sorry, everyone, but I have decided that I am going to write when I feel like writing, even if its about something non spanko. So this first entry is an example of what things might get down to. Hope you're as excited as I am...
The thing is, I'm going to a larger spanking party, with lots of young people, in the near future. I just don't know how I'm going to handle girl bottoms there who are as desirable (or probably more so) than myself. Oh, well, I' ve got to learn how to handle this one day. I've got to get out of 7th grade and begin living like an adult. I've got to learn to love people and to love beautiful ones, in reality, and not just ones in my own head. I've got to realize that beauty is not something to be had. Beauty is something to recognize and pass along and to share. Maybe.
Ahhh Bonnie!! I love this post... it's actually creepily similar to something I was working on earlier this week but never posted.
ReplyDeleteI have these weird black and white feelings about spanko women... how I tend to feel attractive in this community, and at the same time, I ask myself, who the fuck are you kidding? who the fuck do you think you are?
I like to pride myself on being open-minded and liberal and all that, and then sometimes, I question myself, and how shallow I am... if I still crave to be in that "in" group, despite the miserable-ness of being in one.
Anyway, I just wanted to comment and say I know exactly what you mean... and I think that's why I feel a little uncomfortable about fetlife (lol).