Crimson Moon (pt.1) (aka Schoolgirl Party)

The secret is out.   I went to Crimson Moon in Chicago!  It was the largest CM they have had yet, so large in fact that they had to turn people away.  Next time, many people suggested, we should just rent out the entire hotel and not have to worry about the "s word" being proclaimed at the breakfast tables.

Anyway, I was in a very uncomfortable mood days before the party.  I guess there is nothing like pressure and the suggestion of partial nudity to make me freak and become sure I am ugly.  As I blogged earlier in the week, I was afraid that no one would be interested in spanking me. Well...that wasn't the case. :)

We left on Thursday and I drove.  College Guy didn't mind letting me, and focusing on the road helped me keep my mind off the huge uncertainties in the looming future.  The last 5 minutes or so of our drive however, I was having trouble following my GPS and I kept freaking out at tiny things, like stopping at stop signs and getting into the correct lane.  We were almost there!!

We went to the Newbie Orientation, and as I sat at a table full of mostly girls, I realized that I was in the right place.  The girls were shy, quiet, but quick to laugh.  And as one of them was pulled up front for a quick demonstration involving a wooden paddle, everyone began to loosen up.

The guy running the orientation made some disparaging comments about a specific sports team, and then he asked if there were any new people who were fans of that particular sports team.  It was one of those moments where anyone in their right mind would not have raised their hand.  But what the heck, I was giddy already from being around so many spankos, and I was sure other girls at the table would lead the way or at least, follow my lead. So, up my hand went. I waited a beat, and about two guys from another table also raised their hands.  I put my hand down quickly.  College Guy smirked at me, "You don't even know who that sports team is...name some players. " I pouted back, "I know but I thought it was a joke.  I thought other people would join me. "  I blushed and hoped the guy running the orientation wouldn't remember my boldness later.  And I also hoped he would.

The first day was hard, as we knew basically no one there.  We had both talked to a couple of people on fetlife, but that isn't the same as actually knowing someone beforehand. So the first couple of hours, College Guy and I mainly tried to be friendly and watch and learn.  Not long after the orientation, people were leading others back into the party room's spanking booths, and loud sounds of slapping began to fill the room.

I felt like my shell broke a little bit at the school girl ice breaker.  A bunch of other girls and I sat on benches and generally goofed off.  We were in front of the rest of the party goers, so I found it easy to focus on being a child. I giggled and chewed gum and popped the bubbles that some naughty girl had blown.  I almost didn't need the spanking aspect to enjoy this sort of roleplay.

But girls were getting pulled up to the front of the room to get spanked by people dressed as nuns, teachers, rabbi's, etc.  And I knew it would probably be my turn soon.

The gum was what did it.  The guy who had been running the orientation pulled me up to the front and put my hands on the table. He scolded me for the gum chewing and slapped my bottom hard.  I couldn't stop giggling.  "I don't have the gum anymore. I swallowed it!" I defended. But then a couple of spanks later, I confessed, "Actually I'm still chewing it." He didn't spend long with the hand swats and was soon pummeling me with a round paddle. It hurt!!! I wiggled a lot and was for a quick instant was afraid I was going to actually try to get away and somehow roll off the table in front of everyone.  But then it was over.

One of my school girl friends gave me a whoopee cushion, and since I'd been spanked, I was now in the mood to use it.  So I placed it on the seat of the next girl in front of me who was coming back to sit down after being spanked.  And it was non other than LilyStarr!  I know I'm bragging, sort of, because I got to meet her and even prank her, but the truth is,  I actually felt true guilt later, especially since LilyStarr has been one of my spanking favorites to watch.  So minutes later, I leaned over and tried to apologize.  She gave me a look and then hopped out of her seat, told the prefect on me, and sat back down, snubbing her nose in the process.  Ohh my!!! I had no idea that was about to happen.  I was handed over to the prefect for another spanking.  Then later, I got in trouble for shooting a nurf gun, and the teacher who had placed me in the corner saw I was chewing gum again and delivered me to the Nun.  The Nun made me spit the gum in her hand.  I was mortified and intrigued.  Then she stuck the gum on my nose and spanked me, warning, "If that gum falls of your nose, you are in  trouble. " Her manner and role-playing were so perfect.  I think hers was definitely my favorite spanking of the scene.

Afterwards College Guy and I lingered and helped put the chairs in the room back together and tried to small talk with more people since we still hardly knew anyone.  Then we headed up to the 6th floor and found a suite party that someone sitting next to College Guy had suggested we join.

At first, we just sat and talked, and I watched a girl get strapped hard on the bed closest to us.  Then College Guy pulled me onto the far bed and spanked me over his knee.  I apologized to the girl getting strapped on the other bed and said "If I kick you, it's not my fault, it's his fault for spanking me."  I felt embarrassed with this first public spanking from College Guy, and I felt oddly bratty, so I complained the whole time that it hurt, kept asking him to not go to hard and basically squealed like a little girl. It didn't last for long, but it was a good intro spanking.

Later, the guy that had been strapping the other girl asked if I wanted to try a strap out.  They were all London Tanners, so of course I did want to.  He showed College Guy how to swing one, and College Guy strapped me some, and then the guy took over and started using a couple more.  After each thwack, or however you type a strap sound, I would suck in my breath and just feel the sting.  It was very addictive, but at the same time, overwhelming.

I got a glass of wine with a girl I had just met, and we stood around and gabbed about our favorite implements and spanking life in general.  It was good girl talk, even though College Guy and another guy  were listening in and giving us their two cents.  We ended the night sometime around 1:30 a.m., and College Guy and I climbed into our giant king bed.  "Happy Vacation!" College Guy and I murmured sleepily to one another before drifting off.  I woke up every two hours or so, I was that excited, my brain neurotically recalling faces and names and conversations, trying to remember everything for the days ahead.

Pre-party Jitters

So I'm having pre-spanking party jitters like crazy.  I've read other's blogs and about how nerve wracking the days before a party are, but I didn't realize I would feel like this.  I feel like maybe I don't belong at the party College Guy and I are driving to.  I get on fetlife and look at all the humongous threads associated with this party, and its daunting.

I went shopping today for panties, a white shirt to go with my school girl skirt, and some dresses.  And I found myself trying on a size large dress, because the medium one was just too sexily tight.  I don't want the people at this party to think I'm slutty.  I especially don't want to look like I think I'm entitled to a spanking or that I will do anything to get one...ohhh...this is all just so hard.

I saw a picture of one girl on fetlife, and the picture is of basically her vag and her asshole.  And she's going to this spanking party.  I can't say I wish I were that brave (and that College Guy would allow me to to post pictures of my anatomy...because I don't....) but I wish I knew what would get me accepted.  This same girl is talking to College Guy on fetlife about the party.

I basically had to talk College Guy into going to this party.  Now, he has made friends with at least 2 girls going to it, and all of the guys that I've attempted to befriend brush me off like a pesky saleslady.  They all tell me to say hi and introduce myself to them, but do they want to talk at all further?  No.

I'm worried about so many things.  I could hardly even sleep last night.  What if I don't like spanking anymore? What if I'm too nervous to be normal and to laugh and joke, etc....What if College Guy is an awful top because he's so used to spanking me and I don't judge harshly when a cane stroke goes awry? What if no one wants to spank me because I'm young and sort of pretty so they think I'm going to be a brat and stuck up? What if College Guy gets superbly jealous and doesn't let anyone spank me in their hotel room and I'm stuck getting spanked with tons of people watching at all times? What if I don't make a single female friend there because I'll be feeling so competitive and lustful for male attention that I tune the women right out?  What if, what if...what if ????

I'll be okay.  Of course I will be.  I indulged in retail therapy and now I am chilling on my couch with a movie.  I will be hitting the gym a lot of course.  It's just all this waiting.

I have the sickening feeling that it's much better to be a single girl at a spanking party.  Because even though people know that someone's boyfriend is okay with her playing with you, the guy has to feel a kind of pressure to watch himself and play extra carefully.  I don't want extra careful.  I want real.

Also, when College Guy started talking online to a couple girls going to the party (and I told him he should do this, it was more my idea than his) I was unprepared for how stressed it made me feel.  But  I know I can trust him not to start sex chatting them, etc, so I don't know why I'm so stressed and sickened.  I guess I can't be glad for his happiness very easily.  And I really should be able to do that.

I think that if someone had responded to my messages in a friendly way and had wanted to dig deeper and get to know me a little, I would be happy for College Guy's conquests. But not now.  Darn men at parties.  I am going to be such a brat they won't know what hit them. :)

At least, I hope I will...

To Win or Not to Win, That is the Question

I told College Guy when I first met him that I liked the idea of fighting a spanking.  I liked the idea of being hard to handle. I wanted to make him work to get me, for him to be strong and then to be rewarded for his efforts.  I wanted a strong guy that could win, and I wanted to be the prize.

But that doesn't mean that I never want to win.  When we have arguments or discussions, I still want to be right. That doesn't change.  When I tell him my opinion, I want him to agree with me.  When I want to watch the movie I want to watch, I want to watch it.  And when he starts spanking me really hard, and I ask if this can't please be a fun spanking and not too hard , I want him to say yes.  I want him to give me what I want. I want to be happy.

And I win often. Perhaps that means I'm spoiled. But I like it.

There's another side to this "winning" thing, and I'm not sure how to go about explaining it.  It has to do with my weird way I relate to most of the  girls I have ever known.  I think something sort of traumatic (just a little, haha)  happened to me in 7th grade, and I can easily get stuck back into that junior high mindset.  I never really left it.  Back in 7th grade, I remember that suddenly there were cool girls and uncool girls. (Look, I realize this was forever ago, and probably for most it started in much younger years. But I think it affected me , and I was somewhat of a late bloomer socially.) There were girls who talked about boys, tried to get boyfriends, and wore clothes bought at the mall.  Then there were the fat girls and the nerdy girls. I wanted to be in the cool category so badly, but instead of even attempting to do so, I made friends with the outcasts.  I told myself that the outcast group was just as good as the cool one, but what I really believed was something completely opposite: I believed that the cool group was made up of people I could never be friends with, and furthermore, I believed that they were somehow partially inhuman or messed up morally.  They were cruel people who couldn't possibly have good emotions or feelings and they were not to be trusted. So began a lovely adult life....

Now I've never quite had this problem with guys, although I suppose a lot of the hot or handsome guys I've known have been stuck in the cool, "immoral" category as well.  There was a day when I would never talk to a guy if he was handsome. It just was not something I felt qualified to do.

My mom used to tell me, "You are the prettiest girl in your entire school, it's just that you don't wear your clothes tight or the amount of makeup  a lot of the girls wear." While she was overdoing it about being the prettiest, she was correct in her style assessment.

So now I am an adult, and I wear tight clothes and makeup.  I know how to be at least somewhat "cool".  And yet, I still hate beautiful women with a passion.  I really do. Of the 3 small spanking parties I have been to, I felt like I was on the top of the totem pole, the youngest, thinnest, and most spankable at all three parties, or at least of two out of the three parties.  When I feel that way, I feel like I'm back in that crowd of outcasts. I am the cooler one in the group of uncools.  I relax, I smile, I have fun.  But stick me in a group of hot women and I hate them internally and clam up.  I hate this. But it's what I do.

If you are fatter than me, chances are I will be your friend.  And, since America is full of those who are at least slightly overweight, it's not really hard to find friends like that.

But I know something deep is wrong with me and with how I view things.  I have always felt like an artist at heart. I love movies. I love books and music and theatre. In these things, the more beautiful and "perfect" the subject, male or female, the more I love them.  I love beautiful and gorgeous actors, singers, dancers, etc.  Why oh why can't I love them also in real life?

I could go on and on about this in the disjointed way I am writing. Sorry, everyone, but I have decided that I am going to write when I feel like writing, even if its about something non spanko. So this first entry is an example of what things might get down to.  Hope you're as excited as I am...

The thing is, I'm going to a larger spanking party, with lots of young people, in the near future.  I just don't know how I'm going to handle girl bottoms there who are as desirable (or probably more so) than myself.  Oh, well, I' ve got to learn how to handle this one day.  I've got to get out of 7th grade and begin living like an adult. I've got to learn to love people and to love beautiful ones, in reality, and not just ones in my own head. I've got to realize that beauty is not something to be had. Beauty is something to recognize and pass along and to share. Maybe.