It's been a long month or so. And I've been thinking thoughts. Some of My Magician's words come back to haunt me, and I find myself saying, "Maybe I want to be free..."
Free to flirt, to go to clubs and dance hard and long, to ogle guys and wonder if they have wives, hoping that they don't, free to not have decided on someone. But most of all, I want to be free of two things: (1.) To not wonder if I've made a mistake and am going to be unhappy and possibly have to live with that mistake, and (2.) To not have to hurt someone and be responsible for someone else's pain if I decide that they were that mistake.
It's been a long month and a bit of a struggling month for College Guy and I. We've had a good week among what has seemed like turbulent ones.... The newness of the move has worn off. I finally said goodbye to My Magician for the last time--we were still emailing here and there and I needed to cut ties or loose my sanity. I also thought that saying goodbye to My Magician would stop me from discussing him with College Guy--the seemingly never ending discussions that simultaneously make me feel relieved and depressed all at once.
So today was the day my period ended. I knew I needed a spanking, but I wasn't sure if I would be able to stomach one. I was worried and still am about College Guy and I, what we are, what we should be, and how I should or should not control it. Or if I even can.
The spanking turned a discussion that turned into me crying and wailing because I was trying to explain to him why we maybe should break up. We didn't especially get anything figured out, but we talked. Sometimes talking is all you can do. Then he said, "Okay, you ready for the rest of your spanking now?" I said "Whatever." It didn't really matter to me. I was past it mattering.
But the spanking got stingy and hard and I began moving a lot. He asked me a couple of questions and I remained silent. I decided he wasn't getting any "Yes, Sir's" today. That decision cost me dearly. What followed was him wearing me out. It was needed. I wanted it. I guess not saying "Yes, Sir" does the trick...
"Whether I am your boyfriend or not, as long as you are over my knee, you will call me Sir."
But I still didn't answer. The breaking point happened when I ended up in the diaper position. It only took about 6-8 bathbrush strokes and my resolve was broken.
At one point he told me to stand up and led me, naked and snuffling, to the corner. He placed my hands on my head and nudged my elbows up against the wall. But he didn't leave me there. He stood behind me and pulled me slightly against him, and I leaned ever so slightly against his frame. His hands came up to hold my breasts, and I told him, "Maybe I don't mean it about what I said...."
He led me back to the bed and pulled me firmly over his knee, as I murmured softly, "I just want you to be my top."
At least I know something. It helps to know a little, even if there are still so many unanswered questions.
Free to flirt, to go to clubs and dance hard and long, to ogle guys and wonder if they have wives, hoping that they don't, free to not have decided on someone. But most of all, I want to be free of two things: (1.) To not wonder if I've made a mistake and am going to be unhappy and possibly have to live with that mistake, and (2.) To not have to hurt someone and be responsible for someone else's pain if I decide that they were that mistake.
It's been a long month and a bit of a struggling month for College Guy and I. We've had a good week among what has seemed like turbulent ones.... The newness of the move has worn off. I finally said goodbye to My Magician for the last time--we were still emailing here and there and I needed to cut ties or loose my sanity. I also thought that saying goodbye to My Magician would stop me from discussing him with College Guy--the seemingly never ending discussions that simultaneously make me feel relieved and depressed all at once.
So today was the day my period ended. I knew I needed a spanking, but I wasn't sure if I would be able to stomach one. I was worried and still am about College Guy and I, what we are, what we should be, and how I should or should not control it. Or if I even can.
The spanking turned a discussion that turned into me crying and wailing because I was trying to explain to him why we maybe should break up. We didn't especially get anything figured out, but we talked. Sometimes talking is all you can do. Then he said, "Okay, you ready for the rest of your spanking now?" I said "Whatever." It didn't really matter to me. I was past it mattering.
But the spanking got stingy and hard and I began moving a lot. He asked me a couple of questions and I remained silent. I decided he wasn't getting any "Yes, Sir's" today. That decision cost me dearly. What followed was him wearing me out. It was needed. I wanted it. I guess not saying "Yes, Sir" does the trick...
"Whether I am your boyfriend or not, as long as you are over my knee, you will call me Sir."
But I still didn't answer. The breaking point happened when I ended up in the diaper position. It only took about 6-8 bathbrush strokes and my resolve was broken.
At one point he told me to stand up and led me, naked and snuffling, to the corner. He placed my hands on my head and nudged my elbows up against the wall. But he didn't leave me there. He stood behind me and pulled me slightly against him, and I leaned ever so slightly against his frame. His hands came up to hold my breasts, and I told him, "Maybe I don't mean it about what I said...."
He led me back to the bed and pulled me firmly over his knee, as I murmured softly, "I just want you to be my top."
At least I know something. It helps to know a little, even if there are still so many unanswered questions.
Wow. I can relate to SO MUCH of what you're saying here. These dynamics can be so hard to navigate.
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