I just want you to be my top

It's been a long month or so. And I've been thinking thoughts. Some of My Magician's words come back to haunt me, and I find myself saying, "Maybe I want to be free..."

Free to flirt, to go to clubs and dance hard and long, to ogle guys and wonder if they have wives, hoping that they don't, free to not have decided on someone. But most of all, I want to be free of two things: (1.) To not wonder if I've made a mistake and am going to be unhappy and  possibly have to live with that mistake, and (2.) To not have to hurt someone and be responsible for someone else's pain if I decide that they were that mistake.

It's been a long month and a bit of a struggling month for College Guy and I. We've had a good week among what has seemed like turbulent ones.... The newness of the move has worn off. I finally said goodbye to My Magician for the last time--we were still emailing here and there and I needed to cut ties or loose my sanity. I also thought that saying goodbye to My Magician would stop me from discussing him with College Guy--the seemingly never ending discussions that simultaneously make me feel relieved and depressed all at once.

So today was the day my period ended. I knew I needed a spanking, but I wasn't sure if I would be able to stomach one. I was worried and still am about College Guy and I, what we are, what we should be, and how I should or should not control it. Or if I even can.

The spanking turned  a discussion that turned into me crying and wailing because I was trying to explain to him why we maybe should break up. We didn't especially get anything figured out, but we talked. Sometimes talking is all you can do. Then he said, "Okay, you ready for the rest of your spanking now?" I said "Whatever." It didn't really matter to me. I was past it mattering.

But the spanking got stingy and hard and I began moving a lot. He asked me a couple of questions and I remained silent. I decided he wasn't getting any "Yes, Sir's" today. That decision cost me dearly. What followed was him wearing me out. It was needed. I wanted it. I guess not saying "Yes, Sir" does the trick...

"Whether I am your boyfriend or not, as long as you are over my knee, you will call me Sir."

But I still didn't answer. The breaking point happened when I ended up in the diaper position. It only took about 6-8 bathbrush strokes and my resolve was broken.

At one point he told me to stand up and led me, naked and snuffling, to the corner. He placed my hands on my head and nudged my elbows up against the wall. But he didn't leave me there. He stood behind me and pulled me slightly against him, and I leaned ever so slightly against his frame. His hands came up to hold my breasts, and I told him, "Maybe I don't mean it about what I said...."

He led me back to the bed and pulled me firmly over his knee, as I murmured softly, "I just want you to be my top."

At least I know something. It helps to know a little, even if there are still so many unanswered questions.

Rich with Spankings

I am rich with spankings. I am spoiled, pampered, surfeit. From the time that I have moved in with College Guy until this moment, I believe there have been at least 50 spankings I could have written about. Some of them were smaller than others, but at least half of them have probably been good ones. That makes 25 posts I could have given you all. I am lazy and spanking-fat. But, mark you, I am not complaining. Not in the least. 

I can't catch you up, so let me try to make a kind of list, not one that will do them justice. But hopefully one that will make you understand how good I've got it. Because I do.

1. Daily swats, the hello ones, and the ones that I know are coming because of an extra saucy word or a bratty tone. The double-swats that mean, "Oh damn, you're hot and I just had to do that" and the ones that mean "I love you" and "It's alright. Stop worrying."

2. Spankings during arguments, spankings which I hated and almost convinced me that I didn't like spankings.

3. A spanking for sleeping in past my alarm (something I haven't done for a really long time and shan't repeat again) and I believed it involved the cane.

4. A spanking when I asked him to cane me and he did it so perfectly that I decided death by caning would indeed be the best way to die. 

5. A spanking where he sat on the side of the bed and lowered my head down, past his knees, so that all that was pointing up was my bottom, so that he could see all there was of me. And spanked. And spanked. 

6. A spanking where I evaded his grasp and ran around the room until he caught me.

7. A spanking where I wouldn't stay in the corner, and I ended up bent over his knee in the kitchen, my hands on the floor, him kneeling hair brushing remorse back into me.

8. Spankings where I've struggled so much, College Guy has been forced to sit on the small of my back and doggedly spank my wriggling bottom. These have perhaps been the most shameful of my spankings.

9. Errotic spankings, where we're doing "other things" and the spankings are natural, perfect.

But I haven't been writing about them. I don't know if it's because I am spoiled. I don't have to fantasize anymore about what College Guy will spank me about next time. I don't have the need to run my last spanking over and over again in my mind, because I know that in the next couple of days, it will be replaced by another. 

Sometimes, though, I wonder what will happen to my fantasy world. We shall see.