My Toppy-side

"Why are you following me?" I ask this guy at college that is always running into me. For all of last semester and now this one, he's been "the stalker" in the movie that is my life. We were even in a class this semester, but thankfully, I ended up dropping it. Now I'm trying to find Henry James' "The Turn of the Screw". And this guy is dogging my every step.


"What?" He asks innocently.

I sigh. "Heel!" I command, and keep walking. He follows. I laugh. But it's not funny. I'm mocking.

I only do it because I hate it.

My first boyfriend ever is lying on his back in the parked vehicle. Vulnerable...controlled by his need. I see it as weak...and I laugh. I'm mocking.

"Say it again. Say it like you mean it." I purr.

"You're so good at blow jobs. You're like in the top 2%...." He breaks off in a gasp, and I allow the feeling to soar, then abruptly break off contact.

"I don't think I like the sound of 2%. I want to hear 1%." My voice is matter-of-fact, but teasing.

He chuckles. But I remain motionless.

"Alright, alright, you're in the top 1%.."

I laugh. Hilarious. Horribly hilarious.

I like to think that this is my "toppy-side". That it comes out when I don't like a guy. When I wish I could like a guy.

So I test him. And when he fails, I laugh. But I'm mocking.

This isn't fair of me. Some guys want to be controlled by women. Some guys are like me. It's what they long for.

"The stalker" in the library, when I told him to "heel" , responded with, "Oh, no, Missy, oh no. Don't even think about it."

I giggled. 'Well, you're still following me."

"You may be cute," he said, "But you're not that cute."

Which probably means that his "oh no" reaction was only reserved for those that were "that cute" and that everyone else couldn't boss him around. But some one "that cute" could definitely be the boss.

And I never want that. I'm not saying that I never want to have my own ideas. I do. I want to be able to tell a guy what I think he should do. I want him to tell me what he suggests I'd do. And then I want to figure out what I think is best.

However, I want him to know that when he wants it to be so...when we can push everyday life aside...I want him to control me. But only if he takes pleasure in it too.

I never want him to see being a top as mocking me. I am mocking when I play at it. It scares me every time I do it.