Crimson Moon--Saturday

We were both so tired this morning.  I had a noon date, however, so I woke at 11 a.m. and showered, dressing in long white stockings, a black and white flowery knit dress that clung to me, and black leather shoes.  College Guy woke soon after me and we both dragged ourselves into the main party room.  The Vendor's Fair was in full swing, and I had promised to do something called "Swats for Tots".  One of the main party leaders had organized a charity raffle of types, and people were paying a dollar a spank to spank or be spanked by various people.  I had been all excited about this event, and sort of nervous that maybe people would spank me with hard paddles and I would have a bruised sore bottom and not get to play the rest of the day.  However, it seemed like there were so many people offering to be spanked or to spank for dollars, that I wasn't needed at all.  So I actually didn't end up doing it.  College Guy and I browsed the vendor fair's items and bought two of the cheaper items.  We kept walking by the London Tanner booth, but we both knew it wasn't in the budget to get something like that.  Oh well.

I did end up buying a very cute tiny wooden paddle.  College Guy stuck it in his pocket and whenever he brought it out, people would comment, "Oh, that's a paddle for places other than bottoms."  I had definitely not bought it intending for it to be used other than on bottoms...but oh well.  I guess you learn something new everyday.  I had actually bought it because it was petite and cute, and if I ever topped a girl, I would like to use something small and easily handled like that.  I could just imagine using it on someone, and that's why I bought it.

We ended up wandering on the floors a bit and found one of the guys from the previous night who'd let College Guy try out his implements.  He was hanging out in Dr. L and T's room with a new girl who'd just come for the day and was leaving that night whom I'll call AL.  Dr. L and T left their room to us to babysit while they went and shot some videos, and we ended up just chatting about random spanko stuff.

AL was so much fun, definitely one of my favorite people to hang out with this weekend.  It wasn't long before I said something bratty to College Guy, and since I was already feeling comfortable having my bottom bared in front of the guy from the night before, I layed my brattiness on extra thick.  So College Guy took me over his lap and spanked me in front of the guy and AL.  Then, all of a sudden, things progressed in our chatting and somehow AL ended up over the ottoman in the middle of the room, with the one guy giving her some spanks.  She was the type of girl that argued during a spanking--so cute!  And, then, before I knew it, College Guy had jumped in with a "You're not done yet." And he gave her some spanks as well.

If College Guy cares about anything, he cares about arguing and being right.  So I found it hilarious that as he spanked AL over the ottoman, he argued right back and told her how whatever comment she had made was wrong, etc.  Not in a mean way of course, but in a playful way.  Part of me was so proud of him, and part of me thought he was weird for caring so much about arguing while he was spanking her.

A little later J from the night before popped in the room and he already knew AL.  So he gave her an OTK spanking right there while we all watched.  The one thing I found slightly disconcerting during this party and never quite got over was how suddenly someone could go over someone else's lap and how awkwardly entertaining it all was to sit there and get to watch the proceedings.  I always had tiny feelings of embarrassment and that maybe the spankee would like us to all walk away and let them enjoy their spanking without our prying eyes.  Still, I loved watching.

After an hour or so, we migrated to a room across the hallway.  I call this room, "the room where all the women flung themselves over College Guy's lap".  We walked in on a girl being spanked by a certain guy, and I had already known from fetlife that these people were a couple.  But then the girl asked College Guy to spank her, and suddenly, one after another, all the women in the room took turns getting spanked by College Guy. AL went over his lap again as well, and he pulled out my liny little wooden paddle I had bought at the Vendor's Fair and used it on her.   I got spanked by the one guy in the room that we had walked in on while he spanked someone, just a light hand spanking. The girl he had been with handed him a paddle and he said something like "Nope, I just can't use that." I have no idea why he wanted to be so nice to me.  It was actually sort of aggravating.

We all went to dinner together and ended up sitting at a table with LilyStar, R, J who had spanked me the night before, A, and then there was College Guy, AL and me.  Towards the end of dinner, one of the main leaders of Crimson Moon was given a gift and made a speech about one of the leaders from years past who had died last year.  It was pretty awful, watching this tough dude try not to cry as he talked about his friend and how much he cared about this community.  I think I'll always remember sitting at that table and watching that speech.

Earlier in the day, I was feeling particularly "school bus driver-ish" and had mentioned to J that after he had stopped spanking AL and left the room, she had confided in me that "He really took it easy on me." AL had screeched at me that I was a horrible brat and she hated me, but I just grinned. ( I know, dear readers, your own sweet...cough...Bonnie-jo.) So, right before dinner, J had put AL on a bed and strapped her with his belt.  However, there had been a mishap and she had kicked her foot up right when he was coming down.  Alas, her foot had been hit, and he had felt terrible about it, although he still tried to act a bit stern about it, telling her, "You need to be more careful about your feet."

Anyway, so at dinner, I brought up the fact that he had hit her feet, trying my hardest to get him to continue to feel bad about it (I know, I'm a sadist in my own way.) He really didn't seem to feel sorry anymore, so I went another route.  I teased him that maybe he'd hit her foot because he needed a new glasses prescription, since he wore glasses and all.  I also teased him that the night before when he had spanked me while LK watched, he didn't start spanking hard until LK arrived.  So I told him that he had abused my bottom just because he had wanted to impress his audience. He told me that I was getting spanked again, and AL nodded at his decision and told him he was doing the right thing.  AL told him that I was a brat and really needed a spanking.  I told him that it took a brat to know a brat....and the conversation went downhill from there, with AL and I getting ourselves into more and more trouble, and College Guy mainly looking on and supporting the fact that J should spank us and that we deserved it.

People started to leave the dinner area, and Naughty Freckles made the announcement that any and all willing and strong gentlemen would be most welcome to help her move the tables and chairs around for the soon-to-happen Miss OTK Contest.  College Guy and J got up to help move chairs, and AL and I saw our moment to escape their clutches.  We ran towards the door, looking for the trash can.  J was somehow at the door, sort of guarding it.  "Are you two trying to run away?" He asked.  "Oh no, we're trying to find trash cans. Do you know where one is?" I replied. We put our plates in the trash, and then somehow, we slipped out the door without anyone seeing us.

We raced out the door, and then for want of a plan, we stopped off in the reception area outside the party room.  I think we really didn't want to "hide" that well.  We just wanted to make an attempt for it and then get caught and carted off for our spankings.

However, that was not to be the case.  Because P who had spanked me the very first night rounded the corner, and seeing us sitting there, said, "Hey, I need someone to spank. Are you girls busy?"

Lol, that was a pick up line from the hood, if I ever did hear one.  But I liked how P spanked, and I knew he had a huge reputation at this party.  It seemed like he never had a free moment. There was always someone playing with him.  And I had heard that he was a very hard player.  Up on the 6th floor where we had met before, there was an entire collection of London Tanner implements, probably about 15-20 in all, hanging, foreboding and beautiful in a special implement carrier.  I had been told by other girl's that I could ask P, and he would give me the "Tour of London".  I told College Guy, "I really want to do that." But he had given me a doubtful look and reminded me that I needed my butt to last all day because there were a lot of other people I'd want to play with besides P.  Which was true, of course.

Anyway, the other problem was that College Guy had told me before the party that one of his rules was that I would let him know where I was if I was going to go off with some guy.  But I kind of forgot that in the process of trying to run away from him and J.  I fumbled a quick text to College Guy as I rode the elevator with AL up to the 6th floor.

(To be continued...)

Crimson Moon, Day 2, part 2

It was Friday night, and College Guy and I piled into one of the car of the guys we'd been eating pizza with.  I remember being super impressed by his music choices as we drove back to the hotel.  Very BDSM-ish.  There was one song he played especially for us and we all marveled at the words and how well they went with the theme of the weekend.

We got back to the hotel just in time for Spanking Court to start.  I arrived extremely stressed and squirmed on my chair during the whole thing because I was sure I had been written up for something.  This same morning a newly made friend and I had played a prank and hidden something that we were sure would be missed in the party room.  As I sat there and watched the hilarious and cutesy scenes enfold and person after person was spanked in the middle of the room while the people playing the judge and defense attorney looked on (Tubaman being the judge and Sarah Gregory being the defense attorney), I grew less and less excited about being spanked in front of everyone in public.  There was a variety of people being spanked.  Some people weren't funny and just took their spanking with a smile.  One guy was told he was not guilty and could go sit down, but he said something like "Your honor, please, I would like to take my punishment anyway." Everyone giggled.  One guy didn't react to his spanking at all, and it was clear that he was not sorry at all. I loved his attitude and clapped really hard for him.  But most of the girls who were brought up for spankings had hilarious comebacks or cute, scared, pouting faces.  I knew that was not me.  At least not in public.  So I fidgeted and sweated in my seat, hoping against hope they wouldn't call my name.

And you know what? They didn't.  All that worry for nothing.  My bratty friend that I had gotten in trouble with had known the whole time that our names had been taken out of the batch of people to be spanked, but she hadn't told me this.  Now that, folks, is truly evil. Lol.  I will have to get her back somehow at a later date.

Anyway, the two guys that College Guy and I had ridden back to the hotel with from the pizza place had asked College Guy if he wanted to come over to their suite and try out their collection of implements.  In our conversation earlier while waiting for our pizza, they had been listing all the implements they brought, and it was very apparent that they had way more implements than College Guy and I.

Of course, College Guy agreed and, well, I knew that "trying out implements" would only mean that I had to be there too.  So I followed them into their suite and realized that this was an interesting situation  and the kind I'd always wanted to be in.

The wanton voyeur in me was definitely excited by the next hour or so.  I've always wanted College Guy and another guy to spank me together, or College Guy to watch while I was spanked by another guy, etc.  Guys get excited by the idea of being with two girls...well...I'm no different.  :)  Anyway, the two guys were very respectful, and that helped so much.  A large part of the time I laid (or squirmed) over a couple of pillows on the bed and they pulled out random straps and implements, talked about them to College Guy (kind of like they were describing some new tool they were going to use to fix a car...) and then College Guy would give me a 1-5 swats with it.  There were a lot of implements.  I knew this fact, and still wanted to have a bottom left to play with into the night-time hours, so I played up being very sensitive and tender.  College Guy took it easy on me, and that made the hour extra nice.  The guys showed him how to use a flogger, something he'd never used before.  When I was a little spanked out and there weren't many implements left, one of the guys asked me if I wanted to try out some real handcuffs, since he was a cop and had some handy.  I was so excited!! Part of me has always wanted to be arrested just so I could try out some real handcuffs.

The handcuffing was so cool.  The cop was gentle (and afterwards, whenever I talked the cuffs up to College Guy, he reminded me "He was going easy on you. If you were really arrested it wouldn't feel that nice.") The cuffs could be adjusted to how slim your wrists are, which is a good thing because my wrists are smallish.  He had a key, and he let me keep them on for awhile, just so I could fiddle with them and actually try to slip them off myself.  I love trying to get out of things.  It's so rewarding when you can take something off that is confining you.  And it's also so nice when you can't.   But the cuffs, obviously, were impossible to slip out of.

We left those guys' room with me floating on all the attention I had just received.  I felt so very guilty though, that College Guy had still not spanked any girls besides the one girl who had come with P.  I had just spent another hour being given attention and affirmation, and he had been stuck with me, the same girl he'd spent a whole year spanking , and now here he was again, still stuck with me.  I apologized to him, asking him if he was okay.  But he said he was and that he had had fun.

We went back to our hotel so that I could change into more comfortable clothes and change my panties...necessary...and then we went back to the main suite on the 6th floor.  I was so tired by this point.  We were small talking in the room when a guy started talking to us about random stuff and before I knew it, I had agreed to let him spank me.  I told College Guy that he didn't need to come along, but he came just the same.  The guy took us to his suite, and College Guy and I were surprised to see people that we already knew hanging out in this new guy's suite.

I'll just do the initial thing and call him J. So J took me to the bed area of the suite while College Guy stayed out in the couch area and talked with the people he knew.  LK from the girl/girl party was there, and so was Naughty Freckles and some others.

J took me by surprise by sitting on the bed and then fixing me with a very toppy look.  He told me that we were going to have a safe word and he and I quickly discussed what implements I wanted or didn't want.  Then before I knew it, he had reached out for me and began unzipping my short shorts.  This was actually kind of weird for me, and I had a fleeting thought, hoping that College Guy wasn't going to get mad at anything this guy did.  I had to actually concentrate on not turning around and seeing if College Guy was watching and if he was okay.   No one had yet unzipped my clothes and pulled anything down. It's a very intimate feeling.  I realized no has ever done that to me except for my magician and College Guy in my whole life.

J spanked firmly but slowly with his hand, just feeling me out.  I had my eyes closed but when I opened them randomly I saw he was watching me intently, gauging my reactions.  A couple more spanks and I heard movement to my right.  LK had come over and was curled up on the other bed, "I hope you don't mind an audience" she told me.  So I told her I didn't, and we began discussing random matters.  I really liked LK from the first moment I had started talking with her at the girl/girl party.  She was so young and pretty, but she didn't seem stuck on herself at all, just real, and fun-loving.  We kept up our conversation for awhile, and then suddenly I realized that I was still over J's lap, but that he wasn't spanking me anymore.  He was just sitting there with an odd smile on his face, letting LK and I talk.  What a gentleman.

But I'm bratty to gentlemen.  It's how I pay them for being so nice...lol. I don't remember exactly what I said to him, probably something about how nice he was to let us dictate just when he should or shouldn't spank me and how girl talk is much more important than getting spanked and he was astute to realize this.  Whatever I said, he went into full beat down-mode.  It wasn't long before he grabbed a hairbrush and I was soon squirming to get away.  But he was a tall guy, and he easily pinned me down.  I guess I started making some noise because soon College Guy had joined LK on the bed and asked me if I was okay.  I was but I was already close to trying to use my safeword.  The best way I can describe J's spanking was that he spanked a lot like College Guy does.  There was the beginning of the spanking, which is supposedly a warm up, but which is more of a fake-spanking to get you to relax and think that this is going to be a "nice spanking".  It hurts a little, just enough to tease you and make you squirm a tiny bit. And then the next part of the spanking is so fast and intense you don't know what hit you. Lol.  But I didn't safeword and he went on to give me some strap licks which, of course, were somewhat nicer than the hairbrush.

After my spanking, J, LK, College Guy, Naughty Freckles and I sat around in the suite and just small talked into the wee hours of the night.  T and Dr. L found us at some point and so did A, the main friends we'd eaten pizza with.  T found a bottle of unopened wine in the hallway and invited everyone to brave some "hall wine" explaining she hoped it wasn't poisoned.

We chatted in that way people do when they are excited, very sleepy, but don't want to go to bed and give up the night. Dr. L spanked A a bit and T took LK over her lap.  Naughty Freckles, since she was a switch and told us she was feeling very toppy,  kept batting her eyelashes at College Guy and pouting, trying to coerce him over her lap.  She must have asked him 10 times that night, but he kept telling her no and smiling at her antics.

We finally said goodnight to all.  And we slept well that night.  What a day it had been.

Crimson Moon, Day Two, Part 1

We woke up bright and early and had our free continental breakfast.  The party room opened at something like 9:00 a.m., I forget exactly.  The time it opened was inconsequential, because absolutely no one but College Guy and I ventured in that early.  Other than joining with a couple of other brats in a small early morning prank, the details of which I will not mention because it could possible give away who I am..., the morning dragged a bit.  College Guy and I visited the local mall and bought a couple toiletry items I had forgotten because I always forget things on trips.

At 1:00 p.m. I went off to the Girl/Girl Spankfest up in the same suite we had played in the night before.  College Guy went off to grab a beer with a couple of other tops.  So manly, drinking beer...Anyway, the Girl Party went well, although I did not spank anyone or get spanked.  I guess I was too busy chatting people up and watching others do their thing.  And oh, there were some sights to be seen.  Some of the guys had joked that they had placed tiny cameras behind pictures on the wall and that a large group of them were smoking cigars in the other room and watching us.  If they had been doing that (which they surely were not), I'm sure they would have been enjoying themselves immensely.

I was a bit nervous about the Girl Party because I'm an almost strictly straight girl.  If I have any bi in me, it's just a little tiny bit.  But I got to actually make friends with girls my age that I would end up spending time with during the rest of the party, namely A and LK.  We spent time crosslegged on the floor huddled in a corner, just small talking about ourselves, our relationships, how certain types of guys throw us off, and what we love about all of this spanking stuff. It made me feel like I really belonged, at least a little.

College Guy texted me towards the end of the Girl Party that his hand was "getting twitchy".  I went in search of him, knowing that if he was stooping to Fifty Shades of Grey speak, then he must be getting twitchy indeed.

College Guy was so patient during these first couple of days.  It's hard when you're an unknown top and you aren't in that perfect 30 -- 40 age range when it seems that all the girls flock to you because you're all scary and authoritative and stuff.  So, at this point in the party, he had still only spanked me.  We needed to make friends with some girls, and we needed to make them before this second party day was over.  I could tell that he was feeling a bit annoyed at how hard it was to break into a group and just spank a girl. He was talking to them easily, but spanking them is definitely a step up.  I would not want be a new top at a party like that.  So I just want to point out that I thought he did a great job.

I had made friends at the Girl Party, but I didn't have any of their suite numbers or cell numbers.  So we went pacing the floors, trying to catch someone familiar and find out where the party was at.  I saw an acquaintance from the night before, and I asked her if she knew where A was at.  She did!!

And after that first awkward question and awkward poking of our heads into the room A was in, it was all downhill from there.  Because A was in none other that Dr. L's and T's suite, and I had already briefly talked to Dr. L on fetlife.  We hung out in there and traded Bible School stories, since we had both been former Bible College dropouts.  He asked if he could paddle me and do some sort of Bible College roleplay, and I agreed.  Sadly, this week was so busy that the roleplay never happened. Ah well. Next time!

Dr. L and T were rooming with P and BC, so they were scurrying around in the room trying to get unpacked.  Before I knew it, I was over P's lap for a hard hand spanking.  I had made the mistake of making faces at P the night before during a spanking from a  kind older gentleman.  I had been really, really bored as he he gave the lightest hand spanking I'd ever received in my life.  P had been sitting on the opposite bed, spanking some poor girl.  But, after she got off his lap, he sat there and watched me as I almost fell asleep across this older gentleman's lap. So I made faces, yawned, gagged, etc.  I was bored.

Well, P's spanking was definitely not boring, and he kept moving me slightly on his lap, flipping my legs up onto the bed, etc, so that I felt that slight feeling of powerlessness that adds so much to a spanking.

After he was through with me, he asked College Guy if he would like to spank the beautiful BC, his partner at theparty.  Of course, College Guy agreed, and BC was his first spankee besides me.  I leaned back on the wall and just watched them.  It was the first time I'd ever witnessed College Guy spanking anyone, and I liked the sight.

We were invited to join the group for some good classic Chicago pizza, and the whole ride there and the during the hugely long wait to be seated, I couldn't help giggling and jumping about inside, thinking "We're with a group!  We are actually with a spanking group and these people are talking to us!!"

I know everyone must say the same thing, but Dr. L and T are probably the cutest and most approachable spanko couple I have yet met.

Finally, we piled back into our vehicles to try to get back in time for the ever hilarious Spanking Court, and I shall now save the rest of Day Two for next time. :) Too-da-looo. 

Crimson Moon (pt.1) (aka Schoolgirl Party)

The secret is out.   I went to Crimson Moon in Chicago!  It was the largest CM they have had yet, so large in fact that they had to turn people away.  Next time, many people suggested, we should just rent out the entire hotel and not have to worry about the "s word" being proclaimed at the breakfast tables.

Anyway, I was in a very uncomfortable mood days before the party.  I guess there is nothing like pressure and the suggestion of partial nudity to make me freak and become sure I am ugly.  As I blogged earlier in the week, I was afraid that no one would be interested in spanking me. Well...that wasn't the case. :)

We left on Thursday and I drove.  College Guy didn't mind letting me, and focusing on the road helped me keep my mind off the huge uncertainties in the looming future.  The last 5 minutes or so of our drive however, I was having trouble following my GPS and I kept freaking out at tiny things, like stopping at stop signs and getting into the correct lane.  We were almost there!!

We went to the Newbie Orientation, and as I sat at a table full of mostly girls, I realized that I was in the right place.  The girls were shy, quiet, but quick to laugh.  And as one of them was pulled up front for a quick demonstration involving a wooden paddle, everyone began to loosen up.

The guy running the orientation made some disparaging comments about a specific sports team, and then he asked if there were any new people who were fans of that particular sports team.  It was one of those moments where anyone in their right mind would not have raised their hand.  But what the heck, I was giddy already from being around so many spankos, and I was sure other girls at the table would lead the way or at least, follow my lead. So, up my hand went. I waited a beat, and about two guys from another table also raised their hands.  I put my hand down quickly.  College Guy smirked at me, "You don't even know who that sports team is...name some players. " I pouted back, "I know but I thought it was a joke.  I thought other people would join me. "  I blushed and hoped the guy running the orientation wouldn't remember my boldness later.  And I also hoped he would.

The first day was hard, as we knew basically no one there.  We had both talked to a couple of people on fetlife, but that isn't the same as actually knowing someone beforehand. So the first couple of hours, College Guy and I mainly tried to be friendly and watch and learn.  Not long after the orientation, people were leading others back into the party room's spanking booths, and loud sounds of slapping began to fill the room.

I felt like my shell broke a little bit at the school girl ice breaker.  A bunch of other girls and I sat on benches and generally goofed off.  We were in front of the rest of the party goers, so I found it easy to focus on being a child. I giggled and chewed gum and popped the bubbles that some naughty girl had blown.  I almost didn't need the spanking aspect to enjoy this sort of roleplay.

But girls were getting pulled up to the front of the room to get spanked by people dressed as nuns, teachers, rabbi's, etc.  And I knew it would probably be my turn soon.

The gum was what did it.  The guy who had been running the orientation pulled me up to the front and put my hands on the table. He scolded me for the gum chewing and slapped my bottom hard.  I couldn't stop giggling.  "I don't have the gum anymore. I swallowed it!" I defended. But then a couple of spanks later, I confessed, "Actually I'm still chewing it." He didn't spend long with the hand swats and was soon pummeling me with a round paddle. It hurt!!! I wiggled a lot and was for a quick instant was afraid I was going to actually try to get away and somehow roll off the table in front of everyone.  But then it was over.

One of my school girl friends gave me a whoopee cushion, and since I'd been spanked, I was now in the mood to use it.  So I placed it on the seat of the next girl in front of me who was coming back to sit down after being spanked.  And it was non other than LilyStarr!  I know I'm bragging, sort of, because I got to meet her and even prank her, but the truth is,  I actually felt true guilt later, especially since LilyStarr has been one of my spanking favorites to watch.  So minutes later, I leaned over and tried to apologize.  She gave me a look and then hopped out of her seat, told the prefect on me, and sat back down, snubbing her nose in the process.  Ohh my!!! I had no idea that was about to happen.  I was handed over to the prefect for another spanking.  Then later, I got in trouble for shooting a nurf gun, and the teacher who had placed me in the corner saw I was chewing gum again and delivered me to the Nun.  The Nun made me spit the gum in her hand.  I was mortified and intrigued.  Then she stuck the gum on my nose and spanked me, warning, "If that gum falls of your nose, you are in  trouble. " Her manner and role-playing were so perfect.  I think hers was definitely my favorite spanking of the scene.

Afterwards College Guy and I lingered and helped put the chairs in the room back together and tried to small talk with more people since we still hardly knew anyone.  Then we headed up to the 6th floor and found a suite party that someone sitting next to College Guy had suggested we join.

At first, we just sat and talked, and I watched a girl get strapped hard on the bed closest to us.  Then College Guy pulled me onto the far bed and spanked me over his knee.  I apologized to the girl getting strapped on the other bed and said "If I kick you, it's not my fault, it's his fault for spanking me."  I felt embarrassed with this first public spanking from College Guy, and I felt oddly bratty, so I complained the whole time that it hurt, kept asking him to not go to hard and basically squealed like a little girl. It didn't last for long, but it was a good intro spanking.

Later, the guy that had been strapping the other girl asked if I wanted to try a strap out.  They were all London Tanners, so of course I did want to.  He showed College Guy how to swing one, and College Guy strapped me some, and then the guy took over and started using a couple more.  After each thwack, or however you type a strap sound, I would suck in my breath and just feel the sting.  It was very addictive, but at the same time, overwhelming.

I got a glass of wine with a girl I had just met, and we stood around and gabbed about our favorite implements and spanking life in general.  It was good girl talk, even though College Guy and another guy  were listening in and giving us their two cents.  We ended the night sometime around 1:30 a.m., and College Guy and I climbed into our giant king bed.  "Happy Vacation!" College Guy and I murmured sleepily to one another before drifting off.  I woke up every two hours or so, I was that excited, my brain neurotically recalling faces and names and conversations, trying to remember everything for the days ahead.

Pre-party Jitters

So I'm having pre-spanking party jitters like crazy.  I've read other's blogs and about how nerve wracking the days before a party are, but I didn't realize I would feel like this.  I feel like maybe I don't belong at the party College Guy and I are driving to.  I get on fetlife and look at all the humongous threads associated with this party, and its daunting.

I went shopping today for panties, a white shirt to go with my school girl skirt, and some dresses.  And I found myself trying on a size large dress, because the medium one was just too sexily tight.  I don't want the people at this party to think I'm slutty.  I especially don't want to look like I think I'm entitled to a spanking or that I will do anything to get one...ohhh...this is all just so hard.

I saw a picture of one girl on fetlife, and the picture is of basically her vag and her asshole.  And she's going to this spanking party.  I can't say I wish I were that brave (and that College Guy would allow me to to post pictures of my anatomy...because I don't....) but I wish I knew what would get me accepted.  This same girl is talking to College Guy on fetlife about the party.

I basically had to talk College Guy into going to this party.  Now, he has made friends with at least 2 girls going to it, and all of the guys that I've attempted to befriend brush me off like a pesky saleslady.  They all tell me to say hi and introduce myself to them, but do they want to talk at all further?  No.

I'm worried about so many things.  I could hardly even sleep last night.  What if I don't like spanking anymore? What if I'm too nervous to be normal and to laugh and joke, etc....What if College Guy is an awful top because he's so used to spanking me and I don't judge harshly when a cane stroke goes awry? What if no one wants to spank me because I'm young and sort of pretty so they think I'm going to be a brat and stuck up? What if College Guy gets superbly jealous and doesn't let anyone spank me in their hotel room and I'm stuck getting spanked with tons of people watching at all times? What if I don't make a single female friend there because I'll be feeling so competitive and lustful for male attention that I tune the women right out?  What if, what if...what if ????

I'll be okay.  Of course I will be.  I indulged in retail therapy and now I am chilling on my couch with a movie.  I will be hitting the gym a lot of course.  It's just all this waiting.

I have the sickening feeling that it's much better to be a single girl at a spanking party.  Because even though people know that someone's boyfriend is okay with her playing with you, the guy has to feel a kind of pressure to watch himself and play extra carefully.  I don't want extra careful.  I want real.

Also, when College Guy started talking online to a couple girls going to the party (and I told him he should do this, it was more my idea than his) I was unprepared for how stressed it made me feel.  But  I know I can trust him not to start sex chatting them, etc, so I don't know why I'm so stressed and sickened.  I guess I can't be glad for his happiness very easily.  And I really should be able to do that.

I think that if someone had responded to my messages in a friendly way and had wanted to dig deeper and get to know me a little, I would be happy for College Guy's conquests. But not now.  Darn men at parties.  I am going to be such a brat they won't know what hit them. :)

At least, I hope I will...

To Win or Not to Win, That is the Question

I told College Guy when I first met him that I liked the idea of fighting a spanking.  I liked the idea of being hard to handle. I wanted to make him work to get me, for him to be strong and then to be rewarded for his efforts.  I wanted a strong guy that could win, and I wanted to be the prize.

But that doesn't mean that I never want to win.  When we have arguments or discussions, I still want to be right. That doesn't change.  When I tell him my opinion, I want him to agree with me.  When I want to watch the movie I want to watch, I want to watch it.  And when he starts spanking me really hard, and I ask if this can't please be a fun spanking and not too hard , I want him to say yes.  I want him to give me what I want. I want to be happy.

And I win often. Perhaps that means I'm spoiled. But I like it.

There's another side to this "winning" thing, and I'm not sure how to go about explaining it.  It has to do with my weird way I relate to most of the  girls I have ever known.  I think something sort of traumatic (just a little, haha)  happened to me in 7th grade, and I can easily get stuck back into that junior high mindset.  I never really left it.  Back in 7th grade, I remember that suddenly there were cool girls and uncool girls. (Look, I realize this was forever ago, and probably for most it started in much younger years. But I think it affected me , and I was somewhat of a late bloomer socially.) There were girls who talked about boys, tried to get boyfriends, and wore clothes bought at the mall.  Then there were the fat girls and the nerdy girls. I wanted to be in the cool category so badly, but instead of even attempting to do so, I made friends with the outcasts.  I told myself that the outcast group was just as good as the cool one, but what I really believed was something completely opposite: I believed that the cool group was made up of people I could never be friends with, and furthermore, I believed that they were somehow partially inhuman or messed up morally.  They were cruel people who couldn't possibly have good emotions or feelings and they were not to be trusted. So began a lovely adult life....

Now I've never quite had this problem with guys, although I suppose a lot of the hot or handsome guys I've known have been stuck in the cool, "immoral" category as well.  There was a day when I would never talk to a guy if he was handsome. It just was not something I felt qualified to do.

My mom used to tell me, "You are the prettiest girl in your entire school, it's just that you don't wear your clothes tight or the amount of makeup  a lot of the girls wear." While she was overdoing it about being the prettiest, she was correct in her style assessment.

So now I am an adult, and I wear tight clothes and makeup.  I know how to be at least somewhat "cool".  And yet, I still hate beautiful women with a passion.  I really do. Of the 3 small spanking parties I have been to, I felt like I was on the top of the totem pole, the youngest, thinnest, and most spankable at all three parties, or at least of two out of the three parties.  When I feel that way, I feel like I'm back in that crowd of outcasts. I am the cooler one in the group of uncools.  I relax, I smile, I have fun.  But stick me in a group of hot women and I hate them internally and clam up.  I hate this. But it's what I do.

If you are fatter than me, chances are I will be your friend.  And, since America is full of those who are at least slightly overweight, it's not really hard to find friends like that.

But I know something deep is wrong with me and with how I view things.  I have always felt like an artist at heart. I love movies. I love books and music and theatre. In these things, the more beautiful and "perfect" the subject, male or female, the more I love them.  I love beautiful and gorgeous actors, singers, dancers, etc.  Why oh why can't I love them also in real life?

I could go on and on about this in the disjointed way I am writing. Sorry, everyone, but I have decided that I am going to write when I feel like writing, even if its about something non spanko. So this first entry is an example of what things might get down to.  Hope you're as excited as I am...

The thing is, I'm going to a larger spanking party, with lots of young people, in the near future.  I just don't know how I'm going to handle girl bottoms there who are as desirable (or probably more so) than myself.  Oh, well, I' ve got to learn how to handle this one day.  I've got to get out of 7th grade and begin living like an adult. I've got to learn to love people and to love beautiful ones, in reality, and not just ones in my own head. I've got to realize that beauty is not something to be had. Beauty is something to recognize and pass along and to share. Maybe.

Difficulty Writing

I honestly don't know why I can't blog, but I just can't right now.  College Guy is with friends and I've been watching a show on netflix called "Kink". It's fairly good although there definitely isn't enough spanking in it.  It makes me want to share my thoughts with the world. I've started two blogs about two completely different things.  And I just can't finish them and put them out here for you all to see.

I don't know why I can't write.  Is it because I spend all day typing my boss' thoughts dictated through a headpiece?  I'm a legal secretary...is my job taking away my creativity? I don't know.  But I really don't think that is the answer.

Sometimes I think I'm unhappy in my relationship with College Guy, and that's the reason that I can't write and that I'm not creative.  That I'm afraid to open up myself and share because I don't know what's going to come out anymore?  And I'm afraid to let anything come out anymore?

But there are true things and false things in the above paragraph's implications.  I'm not unhappy with College Guy, at least not for the most part.  Most of the time, I'm extremely happy and content. I love him and I know I do.

Most times I feel so safe, and I really value feeling safe.  I value feeling safe above most things in the world.

I remember two summers ago, when I kind of got in the habit of meeting strange guys that I didn't know well, getting drunk with them and then getting into scary situations with them.  I remember after one scary encounter telling myself, "I don't care how boring my life gets, I will not, not, not ever get into situations where I am helpless ever again.  Not even if I have to sit home every night and read classical literature as my only entertainment."

Anyway, I'm rambling.  Sorry, lovely people.  The truth is, I am content and happy.

But I don't know where my fantasizing mechanism has gone....and well...I can't blog.  And I'm scared of what will happen if I try too hard.  I'm scared of what's down deep inside my head.  I'm scared of not being safe anymore.

On a more positive note, I will in a nutshell tell you what my two blogs were going to be about. Since I'm not being creative, here it is in a nutshell:

1. I had sex the other night and it was awesome.  Probably the best part was seeing how proud of himself College Guy was.  I, for one, can still not really believe that he was actually inside of me.  Yay for us! And yet part of me is dreading the fact that now that I've done it, I will have to do it again or else feel a failure.  And also, part of me is loving the challenge.

2. I think College Guy is becoming more dom-like.  I know I always say this, but he just is.  He has been forcing me to call him "Sir" basically whenever I'm over his knee.  I hate it but really do love it as well.  And we may start doing maintenance spankings, something I don't really want to do, since "maintenance" as a word sounds boring and chore-like.  But he said I may have no choice and have to accept them, and well, that is hot and awesome of course.

Signing out now...your own non-creative Bonnie-jo.
:p